Life in Tune

I have written a great deal and do so usually with music. The music takes me back, evokes or brings forward the feelings from so long ago. Like so many, I love music. But as a product of coming of age in the 80s, I love many types of music. It made me wonder, if I were to mark my life in music, what would the playlist be?

I was born in the evening shadow of the Rockies. Student housing at Boulder was my first address. So, in the beginning there was John Denver. I had no idea how his first line would be so prophetic for me…

Soon after, like most of us there was a dearth of personal music but there was the music of our parents. Mine got married in the 60s and in my formative years I heard many songs from that era that originated in Laurel Canyon…

And the melodies of a simpler time, echoed over and over in my youth and teens, challenging me to not forget there is a way to live, simply. It was a skill I lost when I truly learned what the sound of silence was. It is slow destruction…

Then came my own era, starting with the first artist whose music I stole from my mother…

Coming of age, like most, was a tough time for me. Things were falling apart in my life, and I understood none of it. As a way of coping, like all teens, I found music and the power of feeling like they were singing about my life. About me. This wasn’t the first album I bought, but it was the amazing third. I actually still remember buying it…

Journey helped me get started in my own music and of course, the greatest era of music. What followed was amazing.

It was an innocent time for me, even if my music wasn’t always as such. But the best thing was, everything was possible, and likely…

AND, we partied. One of my books features a lot of music. The reason is, I was 17 and like any, I had the world by the tail. MTV was in its prime and we signed on.

Then, I fell in love.

The years that followed were filled with music, but it took a decidedly different tone. I was racing by then and the music was the backdrop. Anger hid in aggression and auto racing gave me an outlet for the energy…

And the distinct sound of my 90s by a band on the edge of destruction, pun intended, and a singer closer to deep mental issues than most yet the closest I have ever seen to the immortal Freddie Mercury…

Even though my life was moving in high gear, my inner life was yearning to slow down. I was losing myself while I found myself. I sought peace in my violet world through seeking a personal philosophy…

I struggled with loss and a feeling of being on the wrong path, having destroyed the right one. I felt my life was leading nowhere. Mostly I was aching for what I knew was already gone for me yet having to keep living without it…

I was learning I had to absorb the losses I felt and find a way to not just survive as I had been but thrive on what was left over after the damage…

For years I tried not to hate myself. For years I tried not to self-destruct or hurt anyone else. I ran from women who loved me, thinking I was not worthy of their love if they only saw how broken I was. I felt the best thing I could do, was distance myself from those who cared about me, to protect them from the damage I often brought to others …

For years I lost myself. I left my sport and lost my passion. My life became bland and I questioned my meaning and value. Then I found a friend that more than anything, reminded me how to have fun. and to keep living.

I recovered and went back to school, finding a place to land professionally for the first time in my life. I found myself, through leading a team helping others. I listened to this each day as I walked to work. In the end, they helped me too…

Then I found my time again through service. I found my soul and a purpose. I found a measure of peace and helped change the world…

And oddly, the past came back in a new way for a more edgy world. I don’t know that I fit in the world, in fact I know it is not my world anymore, but I sought my place and my role, while enjoying the reinterpretation of my own past…

Then it all came full circle.

The adventure I am on has many possible outcomes but for the first time in my life, ever, I am making plans as a couple, rather than solo. I am learning to think for us, for the first time…

In the end, I will return to the beginning. I may not die in the shadow of the Rockies, but the last song played in or for my life will be John Denver, again.

My Truth about Addiction

I spent a great deal of time in addictions. I spent a great deal of time in individual counseling and in group counseling. I have journaled, looking inside at my demons and cried with clients. I have seen many chemical dependencies, as they define them, and a few behavioral dependencies. But there is so much more than my expereince

One of the things I learned in this journey is that anything that alters how you feel, can become addicting. ANYTHING. It is said by many who are in an addiction pattern that they can stop anytime. Fair enough.

If you can stop anytime and are living a life of slow destruction, lies, abuse, stealing, hurting others and yourself, then by all means continue on but don’t be offended when others protect themselves by shutting you out. But don’t be that person and tell everyone you can stop anytime, but need help. Lies are a way of life in addiction, so start by stopping your lies. Your lies are not nearly as hidden and crafty as you think.

Your lies are the biggest symptom of your addiction and a first indication.

If you truly can stop anytime and you are hurting others, then you are choosing to hurt others, deliberately, to serve yourself.

I want to address something straight up. Others can see addiction and almost always do long before the person becoming addicted. They aren’t assholes. They aren’t ignorant. They aren’t always wrong and in fact, VERY likely right. Addiction does not enter your life with a marching band and fireworks, it is like fine dust settling on everything in your life, slowly coating it. It is unnoticeable at first, and easy to wipe away, if you even look. But eventually, anyone else can see the depth of it, everywhere, on everything. That is how addiction arrives. Those in addiction are the last to notice it and first and last to deny it.

I said in the beginning, a person can become addicted to anything that alters how they feel. Lets get something straight, addictions have a physical component but addiction is emotional, not just chemical. By altering how we feel, a behavior or chemical rewards us and helps us emotionally regulate. Emotional regulation is something most people struggle with.

When understanding addiction we start to understand that the behavior or chemical triggers a chemical change in our brain and we like it. How do I know we like it? Because we keep doing it. I know of no one who continually wants to stub their toe or be racked. I’m sure there are people who like it. Why? Because they trigger a chemical reaction and some, will like that chemical reaction. But no one I know likes it.

I am also going to hit a myth head-on. THC is addictive. I have heard it is not addictive because it is natural. So is cocaine. So is opium. If you want to say natural as in unaltered, no. Very few people who use THC eat the plant. Maybe in your fun brownies but that is not how you consume it 99.9% of the time, if ever.

You may say it is unrefined, fair enough, but cocoa leaves can also be chewed and used like chewing tobacco. Which leads me to chewing tobacco. It is also addictive yet it is hardly modified from natural form. THC is addictive, and to claim it is not may be your experience but is ignorant of the realities and makes you sound like you are making an excuse and thus weak.

You sound stupid making the claim. You really do.

Addiction is full of excuses. As I mentioned, addiction slowly enters your life and takes over. Excuses are a natural byproduct of the slow changes that come to accommodate addiction. You will spend more resources to meet the needs of your use. Time and money are the first casualties. Relationships follow. Property often follows. Health usually follows and then there is legal and life itself.

There is a really simple way to understand addiction. It is the greatest, most amazing, loving, kinky, down and dirty magical and elating lover you have ever dreamed of and all other people in your life will take a back seat to that lover, no matter how much you loved them before. You are always having an affair with your wife or husband when you are in an addiction because your only real love is that addiction. No one else amounts to a pile of shit compared to your drug.

NO ONE.

There are people who can spend a life in use or addiction and die at a statistically normal time. There are a few people who may also use a life long time and not seem to suffer any ill health or legal issues. I’d say it is possible, but very unlikely.

Here are the realities I have seen. Addiction will eventually kill you or contribute to your death unless you stop it soon enough. Addiction will always alter your life. I have watched people and been with them in their final hours of dying from addiction. But how and why someone dies is up to them; be it naturally or even though you can stop anytime.

Lets go back to that idea that idea that you can stop anytime. Lets assume that is true and you don’t. You know the addiction will likely kill you eventually. So if you die in your addiction, slouched over in a doorway downtown next to the old armory, shit in your pants and half naked … we should not care right? You chose that path. You chose that road with many exits and chose to not quit, anytime. You accepted that end. You knew that end even if you deny it. Your life would likely not be celebrated. Those who loved you once, and miss you still, may never even know you are dead. A pauper’s grave in a city cemetery is where it may end, anonymous.

You know that but can stop anytime, right? More power to ya.

I have touched on the usual addictions, cocaine, opiates, THC but also, meth, and benzos. And the king, alcohol. These are the common ones. Some can kill you in withdraw, others will make you wish for death.

Just because you have a prescription or your DoC is manufactured by a billion dollar conglomerate you can buy stock in does not make it safe. The excuse is hollow and easy for anyone else to see through.

But lets touch on other things that can be addictive that you may not see …

Smoking, Coffee, Chewing Tobacco, Caffeinated Drinks, Diet Drinks, Selfies, Sex, Masturbating, Video Games, TV, Tattoos, Piercings, Cutting, Burning, food-controling it and abusing it, Adrenalin activities, Exercise, Texting, Porn, Gambling, Work, Lip Balm, Plastic Surgery, Teeth Whitening, moisturizer, shopping, music, tanning, relationships, dating and dating apps, social media … now some really odd ones, all of which I have seen. Medical issues, eating non food products, picking and damaging your body in a non medical way and maybe the one most won’t accept but I have witnessed, over the counter drugs.

All of these things and many more alter how you feel or more dangerously, how you feel about yourself. If they do not introduce a chemical to your body, then how can they be addictive? Simple, the same way the ones that do, do it. Your body does not become addicted to a drug as much as how that drug alters the bodies functioning.

Your body responds to its own neurotransmitters. By altering how much and how often they are produced, you alter how you feel. Serotonin, dopamine and Norepinephrine are all made in your body, among many many others. These can be and usually are triggered by the things we become addicted to. In other words, we usually become addicted to chemicals we have in our own body already, that are artificially triggered by chemicals or activities not in our bodies.

Addiction is complex and what is said above, is a very simplistic definition.

The most damaging part of addiction is not the medical or financial or even legal issues. Time and time again I have heard from loved ones that it is the lies that hurt the most. Let me be very clear … addicts suck at lying. They are good at it for a time and to some people for a while, but you really fool no one. You may know what your loved ones want to hear but no, you are not as good at lies as you think. In most cases, you fucking suck at it.

It is the constant and very manipulative lies that eventually erode and shape even the truth. After enough lies to feed and defend an addiction, you cannot be trusted to tell the truth so even the truth sounds like a lie. It is the lies that are the true scars. Even after you die, it is those scars from lies that will still bleed.

I have watched and sat by as people within an addiction pattern have told the biggest whopping lies and yet they feel it will work and everyone will believe them. That addiction pattern can remain even while someone is clean and in recovery. The lies and manipulation become a way of life to an addict. The lies and manipulation become survival skills while in addiction, and few people can give up a survival skill.

This is also part of why many people may never trust an addict again. The lies often continue. This is also why the fractures within a social network that becomes shaped by addiction cannot be healed fully.

Abuse of something is not addiction, but they are close cousins. I have abused caffeine and it is amazing how easily I can go back it it, most often lying to myself that I had kicked that addiction and the new pattern was ok. We become masters at lying to and manipulating ourselves.

Now for the good news. Most people who become addicted to something can end it on their own. Most people may not even realize they were addicted, but simply become annoyed by the demands of the pattern and stop it. Many others cannot stop it without help.

I sat in a group therapy room and listened to people make excuses about their need for pain killers and others about how life is so anxiety inducing they couldn’t function without pot. I have heard alcohol is legal! And also that pot was legal and natural. I’ve heard that someone’s meth addiction is the fault of the Nazis who invented it. I’ve heard that a person’s wife was a fool because he was not a bad man, and his lies were the drug talking. And I have heard that the horrible things done to the client’s daughter were not their fault, since they were drunk …

I have known people who as a child were prostituted by their mother to feed the mother’s addiction. I have listened as someone told me they traded their child for a lid. I have known people who felt a gallon of Vodka a day is not too much. I listened as a man who was in treatment and sober for the longest time in the last 20 years, had no idea where his kids were. His wife had remarried and moved in his days of drinking. His kids by then woulda been in their 20s-30s. He felt he might be a grandfather, and may never know it. Or they him.

I write this because it strikes me how so many downplay addiction as an issue, or a problem … it is a force of absolute destruction like an F5 tornado that wipes the ground clean and removes all trace that there had once been life there.

Lie if you want, but your lies will leave deep scars that may not ever be recovered from. The damage you do is real and in the form of people. I have watched people destroy themselves and everything and every relationship they used to hold dear.

I have also watched men and women fight to come out the other side and thrive. That little girl that was prostituted by her mother, was later a client in my office as I worked in addictions. She fought for her life. She fought by working WITH her social worker and her probation officer for a better life, and they backed her. The head of probation backed her. The judge backed her. They didn’t do it because it was their job; it was because she worked hard for herself, so they supported her efforts.

When she left my treatment center, she moved on to out-patient and sober living. She attended a program to get her GED. Then her Associates Degree. Then her 5 year Master’s in Clinical Counseling. I attended the last two graduations. In the end of our journey together, I shook her hand as my peer, no longer my client.

If you choose to remain in your addiction, that is your choice and I respect it.

However:

Recovery is real, but it will be the hardest work you ever do.

No one can do it for you.

You have to work harder for your own recovery than anyone else.

You will not be able to repair all the damage you did.

Some people and relationships, in fact most, will be forever lost.

It will be worth it.

Way of War

 

My father served.  My uncle served.  I have great uncles who served in two wars.  My grandfather had top secret clearance in WWII.  I have 5 friends who served in the 90s.  A couple of them only recently stood down.  I have a God-Daughter just entering service.  I do not approach war lightly.

 

 

There are those who think if you are anti war, you are anti soldier.  That’s horse shit.  It is a sign of prejudice and ignorance of history.   The best way to prevent the loss of a soldiers life is to not go to war.  War is not inevitable, they are usually preventable.  I am very pro soldier.  I am very anti war.

 

There are many reasons, many causes and many opinions on wars, as there should be.  I believe in the power of diplomacy.  I believe that war is the last option when every ounce of diplomacy has been spent.  I believe that there has to be a way to prevent war.  But we know that is not always possible.  There is only one way to go to war.

 

When we entered the war in 1941, we were not the largest military in the world,  not the third, not the fifth.  Our Army was smaller than that of Portugal.  At the end of the war we were the largest military in the world, mostly cause we fought and won a two front war.  We did not enter the war with the ability to dominate.  We entered hoping to not lose.  Experts said we would have to build 10,000 planes to win that war.  They were wrong. We built 100,000.

 

If we reach that point where we must act, we should act like what we are: We are the world’s only super power.  We have a larger military than the next 13 nations combined.  We should not try and win.  We should not intend to win.  We should dominate.

 

 

When it is not preventable, when there is a human injustice that cannot be permitted.  When there is casus belli, there is only one response…

 

 

If we go to war as the most technologically dominant nation in the world with the biggest defense budget we have no excuse but to dominate.  We must arm our men and women with the latest and greatest weapons and intelligence. We must train them the best ways known and then we sit the politicians down and tell them to shut the hell up until the issue is ending.  We must let the Generals and Admirals do what they spent a lifetime learning and stay out of their way.

 

In time of war, a politician has only two jobs.  Keep any coalition that was formed together, and to ask the military leaders, what do you need.  Then make it happen.

 

We should not send just enough, we should not use what we got, we should send 5 times more than is needed and we send the best we have in the greatest numbers possible.  We dominate.  THAT is what a super power does.  But only, if we must.

 

 

When I raced, I did not race to win.  I raced to dominate.  I raced to make it clear I dictated the terms.  I made it clear I was the one to beat if you chose to fight. When I fought, I came back steaming and smoking and sweating with nothing left.  There is no other way to fight.

 

When it comes to war, there can only be two intentions.  To prevent war until our last diplomatic breath.  Then IF that fails, ensure that those who trespass upon us understand we will not bring a knife to the fight, we will bring everyone.  We will uncoil the largest military in the world in order to prevent injustice or crimes against humanity.  I do not accept anything less.  Nor should you for our soldiers.

 

I am pro soldier because I am anti war.

Harli White, Hero’s and Flames.

A moment of your time please …

We have so over used the term hero, it has less meaning now. But occasionally we find people who inspire us and remind us what true heroism is.

This story resonates for me because of two people in my life.  One young lady in my life who wants to drive race cars, and one older man who I watched become engulfed in flames.  Chip was a man I raced with, and a good friend.  One day his car in front of me on track became a fireball.  I followed his car off track and threw off my belts, anticipating needing to pull him from the flames.  Luckily for him, he was able to bail over the side on his own while the car was still moving.

Chip was lucky but still bore scars.  I wrote this story for the young lady I know who wants to race sprint cars, and already has her own scars and a wheel chair.  This is two people’s story, but not theirs, other people of courage.

Harli White is a sprint car racer out of Lindsay, OK. She grew up in a family of racers and from grade school, she knew she would race. Her racing life took a horrific turn early on, and this story starts there …

In 2008 the day that Harli had dreamed of for years, anticipated and worked for for years, arrived.  She was ready to start her first race.  She was 12 years old.  What quickly followed was the nightmare of every person who ever loved a racer, and the thing racers fear most and talk about the least. Fire.

Harli had an accident in her sprint car and was soon engulfed in flames. And in flames she stayed, as people tried to get close enough to free her from her burning car.  Her father tried to dive into the flames, calling to her.  She answered, she could not get out, she was stuck and burning alive.

Like all modern racers since the 70s, she wore a fire suit.  She wore among the best available.  She wore it all, gloves, socks, multi layer suit, balaclava, helmet … she was wearing the best available and it was buying her time, but time was running out.

Enter, Donnie Ray Crawford. Donnie Ray was another racer and in full driver’s suit and helmet as well, waiting for the next qualifier. He dove into the flames and worked to free her, pulling her out eventually.

He had never met Harli.

Harli was taken to the hospital and eventually air lifted for long term critical care at Shriners Hospital for Children. 3rd and 4th degree burns covered 40% of her body. Her scars go from the top of her head, down her legs.

A year later she returned to racing.

A year later, she started chasing her dream again, knowing that if she did not, her death in the car would have been a blessing, compared to her life without racing.

To the people who don’t get it about racing; I get it.

During the following 5 years, she racked up 26 wins and two championships.

Also in those years, Donnie Ray would experience his own tragedy.  He was shot at home by his grandfather, for no known reason.  Donnie Ray Crawford was a rising star and it would have been magical to watch these two great people race together, hero’s both.

I have raced door to door with someone I helped support as he died of cancer.  I hope in my golden years when my memories go the way of my hair, I still remember finishing side by side with Chris Kogan, in his last race.  Donnie Ray and Harli never had that chance.

Tonight, I am watching the Knoxville Nationals from Knoxville, Iowa; their superbowl.  Harli is there, still chasing her dream in spite of her baptism of fire. Just as I did, when I lost two of my hero’s in racing, I carried them along with me.  Harli, carries Donnie Ray as well.

For all of us, know courage is more powerful than flames and those who can, be willing to walk into them if we must.  If my story of this extraordinary young woman interests you, I suggest you follow her on Facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/harliwhiteracing/

Niki Lauda, God Speed

 

Lauda: A hymn of praise.

 

Occasionally, someone is larger than life while still alive.  Occasionally we get to stand next to, meet, and get to know someone who has surpassed the boundaries of mere existence.  I was young, but the events of the day were not lost on me.  The images in the magazine were dramatic.  They paled in comparison to the story that followed.

 

I LOVE auto racing.  To me it is as close as I could get to flying fighters or being a knight.  For me it was the stuff of my dreams.  For my birthday when I was little, my dad and I went to see an F1 race at Watkins Glen.  I didn’t know what to expect as it was my first race ever, but I was wearing out my father’s racing magazines.

It was early October and nearing my birthday so off my father and I went, him driving and me reading and looking at the pictures in his magazines.  In there, was the story of the horrific crash Niki Lauda has been through.  I had known and read about it already, but going to a race where he would be, made me explore it all again.

 

The accident had occurred in Germany, at a race he didn’t want to take part in.  It was on what is still today, considered the most challenging F1 track of all time, the Nurburgring.  It was also a time when safety was more of an afterthought than a design feature; driver-pilots were expendable.  He was defending world champion and in a Ferrari.  He raced even though he felt the track was unsafe.  Three time World Driving Champion Jackie Stewart referred to the track as, The Green Hell.

 

Only two week earlier, a racer lost his life on the track.  This was not insignificant until you realize he was the 131st person to lose his life at the track, to that date.  It needed three times the marshals and safety workers as any other track to be covered the way the rules demanded; they were not available.  The race was run anyhow due to the importance of the event in history and in the season.  It was to be the last German GP on the full course.  Hell was an apt description.

 

I wont speculate on what caused the accident as there are many theories but the result was, he hit the barriers and ended up in the middle of the track while the car burned.  His helmet was tossed off in the spin and impact and Guy Edwards in his Hesketh-Ford managed to avoid him.

Brett Lunger in his Surtees and Harold Ertl in another Hesketh could not avoid him.  He was already burning but the additional impacts didn’t help.  Due to the distance from safety marshals and rescue equipment, all three drivers as well as Arturo Merzario stopped to aid Lauda.  It took over a minute for them to get him out of the flames as they were not familiar with the unique Ferrari seat belts.

These men dove into the flames to retrieve their former rival, from the flames that were engulfing him.  He was screaming.  He was dying.  Working together they managed to get him out and moved him to the side of the track.  They felt they were now holding vigil as their brother died.  The rest of the field stopped as the track was blocked so in an odd sight, they were all there, fearing the worst.  There was no reason not to.

An ambulance arrived, as did a helicopter eventually.  What followed was something I cannot imagine going through.  As if what I described was not enough, what followed was a 10 day coma, skin grafts and 1970s level pain meds as they peeled and scrubbed the burnt flesh and sucking out the damaged tissue from his lungs while he was awake.

 

And the last rights.

 

Burn victims do not stop burning once you remove them from the flames.  The flesh continues to burn and boil.  As it eventually cools, it contracts, shrinks and presses harder and harder on the tissue raw from burns.  This was his life over the weeks that followed.  His hands, neck, face, head and lungs were all burnt.  His right ear was almost gone.  He had no eye lashes or brows.  He was however, alive.

 

The story he, his wife and doctors told after, was him laying in his hospital bed watching F1 races on TV and his World Championship points lead slip away; burnt and struggling to breath.  For a racer, as Steve McQueen put it, Racing is Life, Everything else is just waiting.  After 40 days, Niki Lauda had waited long enough.  At the Italian Grand Prix, Niki Lauda returned.

.

He donned bandages and scars and determination.  Ferrari had hired a replacement driver to finish the season, anticipating that it would be months if ever, Lauda were to return.  Lauda out qualified both of his teammates in an impressive 4th.

 

Returning from an accident or injury is always hard for any competitor.  There is no other way than to head straight to it, and Niki Lauda was nothing if not direct.  Racing however, is harder than qualifying.  The intensity of close competition taxes every sense.  Injury, mental more than physical, can be even more taxing.

 

Having raced after accidents and raced with a teammate in his return after a fiery accident, the thoughts in a racers head upon return to competition are anything but the usual competitive abandon.  There is an internal fight between the need to live, and the need to thrive.

Niki worked through his inner demons and found his rhythm.  In front of the most rabid fans of any sport, the German took over the piloting of his Italian machine and marched it back to finish 4th.

 

If this were not enough, to me the story is the reality after the race.  He did not remove his helmet on pit lane after the race as is always done, to breath cooler air and let off sweat.  He walked back to his garage and the reason was clear on his uniform.  The blood from his head had run down his collar and back.  He went away from prying eyes to remove his helmet and balaclava … and the bandages that came with them and thus, the freshest and outermost layer of skin.

 

Fresh blood ran down his neck and shoulder.

 

He lost the championship by 1 point that year but returned to win it again in ’77.  He wont it yet again in 1984.  A three time World Champion

 

On that day in 1976 when I was very young, I saw the man who defined courage for me.  Courage and heroes are not the same thing; only related.  He was a racing hero of mine because I aspired to be like him in my own racing.  Along the back stretch of Watkins Glen in a far more civilized day, I watched MY hero go by in spite of the injures he had incurred earlier that season.

 

Years later, I raced in his tracks at Watkins Glen, with far less luck but not without remembering that boy along the back fence watching his hero teach him about courage and determination.

 

On May 20, 2019 one of my heroes died, finally succumbing to medical issues related to that day in Germany.  To those who seek courage, find heroes and role models.  To those who seek determination, I give you Niki Lauda.

God Speed

Heroes of our Constitution

Kendrick Castillo

I’m with ya.  I agree.  100%.  He died a hero.  He stepped in front of the bullets in an attempt to protect others.  There is no question, Kendrick is a hero.

Thoughts and Prayers!

 

The modern version of our gun policy in this nation is that rather than try and effect any mediation of the issue, we expect our children to stand in front of the bullet; your bullet. Our current stance on gun rights in America is that children die so we can keep our guns.  Got it.

I hear ya. “Keep your hands off my guns” and “The only answer is more guns.”  Ok, fair enough.  Those are opinions I know of and have heard thousands of times in my life.  I don’t buy that those are the only two answers you can come up with.

Believe it or not, I’m NOT here to suggest taking guns away.  Keep em.  Oil them.  Carry them in your pants like so many I know do.  Cherish them and covet them like children.

The only answer after 6 year olds got gunned down and teachers died defending them was, “more guns”.  I get it.  I really do.  I hear you and see you clearly.

Do me a favor; don’t help me if I am drowning.

Wikipedia estimates there are 120 guns in the country for every 100 people.  That’s 391,768,800 guns in America.

We need more guns.

Hold onto your guns, please.  Keep your second amendment; I have no interest in overturning it.

I know many responsible gun owners.  Most I know are.  There are a few I know who are not and claim that hiding the rifle behind a coat rack is ‘safe’.  I know still others who carry them in their open Jeeps.  Whatever.  I know people who own full auto weapons and claim to have the permit.  No. I am not after the second amendment.

Also, this may shock some of you, but I am a gun owner.  I am not after OUR second amendment.

So here is my question.  When will the responsible gun owners in this nation care about others, and especially children, more than their guns and start DEMANDING reform.  Again, I’m  not after the second amendment.  Where are the owners of 95% of those 391,768,800 guns demanding that something change?

Your profound silence is marking this nation with splattered blood throughout our schools.

I will stand WITH you, if you have the courage to accept that this will continue unless something changes.  I will stand with you, if we stand together and demand our kids no longer be gun fodder for the second amendment.  I will stand with you, as long as you stand up and say, SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.

I will even stand in front of you if you need.  I will stand at the front of change, IF you stand with me.

Through inaction, the accepted policy among responsible gun owners in America, is that Kendrick Castillo must die to protect other children.  A child dying is part of the cost of freedom for adults to own AR15s.  I get it.  I see and hear you clearly.

Again, keep the second amendment.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

T and P ❤

Things I Would Teach my Kids

 

I think every age group has something to teach every other.  I wish I had written a similar thing when I was a teen, in my late 20s and maybe around 40.  I may add to this when I am in my 60s.  Every age group is right about many things, wrong about many, and we all see things differently.

 

The idea here is trying to give some short cuts, that I have learned.  These are essentially things I wish I had known long before now.  I’m not sure if the generation before me would have the same message, maybe not, but I am sure I might not have listened or at least not given it as much credit.

 

But this is my attempt to offer lessons learned and perspective from someone who has seen a lot and done a lot to those who have not had the chance to yet.  Like my parents, not all will agree with all I have written here but that’s the beauty of individualism.  It doesn’t mean what I have written is wrong.  I’m also not the only one to think as I do.  So if nothing else, it offers a window into how other people think.

 

I have also selected topics that are both general and or divisive.  I try to offer insight that can hopefully add to anyone’s perspective.  These are also some of the bigger topics that are either not discussed or not discussed enough.

 

Topics include:  friendship, love, hatred, lust, sex, family, taking chances, trends, letting go, perspective, politics, religion, tragedy, violence, fear, fame, social media, justice/social justice, the press, bullies, war, the past, the future, yourself.

 

I have tried to show more than one side when possible.  No one is completely neutral.  I am very opinionated.

 

FAMILY

Family is a tough one.  Maybe it is tougher for me to write about than it is a topic.  I’m not sure I’m an expert on it.  I can tell you though that family is not always defined by blood or genes.

 

For the most part, give family a break.  Most family members are good people.  They try hard but are imperfect.  Again, give ‘em a break.  BUT, in-case there is more going on than I know about, if they are treating you wrong, and I mean really wrong, not that they didn’t get you the car you wanted on your birthday, don’t keep it a secret.

 

Family does not always love you.  You do not have to love your family.  You don’t owe your family anything.  That will piss some off but family should not be a debt.  Yes, parents, most parents, good parents did a lot of work to bring you up and spent a lot of money.  That was also their choice when they committed to a family.

 

What I’m saying may sound harsh but what I’m trying to say is, family should be an asset, not a debt.  Many of the people I am closest to, I met later in life and made part of my family.  I have friends I would die for.  Some of you I made my family, well after you were born.  Family can be a choice.

 

The biggest influence on you are those you grew up with, family or not.  Even if you hate who you grew up with and want to be unlike them, by you choosing to not be like them, they have thus partially defined you.  MOST people you grew up with had good traits.  I won’t say that about all.  I’ll say it about me.  There are MANY things about me I hope you don’t copy.  There are also many traits I would like to pass on.

 

 

FRIENDSHIP

Fiends are one of the most important additions you can make to your life.  You will have good ones and bad ones and only a few, amazing ones.  The amazing ones won’t always be around for long, like a shooting star they may light up your life briefly, but leave a lasting mark on you.  A very few, truly amazing few may last a lifetime.

 

I know it seems cold but by the numbers, MOST people you will be friends with in your life will not remain your active friends for as long as you think.  There are many times you will lose a large number of your friends at once.

 

When you move, you will very likely lose contact with your friends.  The younger you are the more likely this is.  Social media will help, but this is not a way to maintain friendships long term.

 

Another time you will lose track of many friends is when you graduate High School.  People used to stay close to home after graduation but this is becoming less and less common.

 

One of the more recent developments is on-line friends.  These relationships can be real, and you can genuinely care about the people but they are not a substitute for the real deal.  On-line is a convenience and people are losing interpersonal skills that make for real and lasting connections.

 

I compare on-line friendships to puppy love.  You can easily think it is far bigger than it is but in the end, when it ends, you realize they had very little real presence in your life so their absence is small.  IF you can make an on-line friendship into a regular real world one then cool, other than that, they aren’t real friendships, they are stimulation and interaction.

 

New jobs, romantic relationships and families will fracture many existing relationships and demand more time you used to dedicate to friends.  Don’t be scared by this, and don’t expect anyone else to forgo these changes to maintain friendships.  Relationships and time will reshape us.  Great friends will be a part of you, always.

 

Friendships take work.

Friendships need to be balanced over time.

Most friends will pass out of your life.

Your best friends, are often not who you expect them to be…

 

LOVE

Love BIG.  Love HARD.  Love completely…

 

If those words scare you, that’s ok.  If those words excite you, be careful.  But live them.

 

The first thing you should know is that love is not sex, and sex is not love.  Love is about finding someone you slowly, but powerfully, want to have in your life in almost every way.  Notice I said almost.  Love does not mean giving yourself entirely, it means allowing a person in your life like no one else, even your family.

 

Love will change you.  Love will forever change you.  It will build you up, tear you down and will be some of the most powerful aspects of your life.  It will scare you, scar you and it will also show you some of the most enduring beauty of the world.

 

Love is not expressed via text, or snap chat or emails.  I know this sounds like I am out of touch but lemme make two points here.

 

First, there is NO substitute for in person words and the human touch.  To SAY you love someone takes courage, every time.  To text it, or simply make a heart with your hands in a snap chat image, is chicken and will feel temporary to the other person.  If you don’t have the guts to say it, it isn’t real.

 

Love takes courage, be brave in how you express it.

 

Put it this way, the most cherished photos you will have, are not of others but of others with you.  If you are not there, together, you are a spectator to the relationship.

 

Second, if you love someone, truly love them, then leave them real and tangible things to covet, to hold onto, to cherish.  Think of it this way, I grew up writing love letters.  Pen and paper, ink and courage.  If I had passed away later, my girlfriend would have them to know, she was truly loved and could read the words I could no longer say.  If emails are the most personal you two get, that’s fine, but I don’t consider them the same.  You weren’t given a photo of a teddy bear when you were little; you got a real one.

 

Don’t express your undying love in a very temporary forum.  That’s chicken shit.

 

This does bring up an issue more and more common in modern society; long distance relationships.  I wont say don’t do it.  I will say there MUST be a plan to come together, as quickly as possible.  Love thrives in person, and struggles like a plant with no sun if left at a distance.  Please don’t enter into a long  distance love, without a plan to bring that love together as soon as possible.

 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn’t love. You didn’t choose, you fell like everyone else, without a plan.  (that’s why it is a fall and not a jump)  You can be too young for sex, but not too young for love.  You cannot be too old for love.  Love is not about reasonable thought or best fit or social standing, it is about being happy.

 

Love is not the same the world over or even for you in your lifetime.  Love in 6^th grade is very different than 12^th grade.  Love is different as an adult.  Loving your spouse, is different than love for your kid, or your family, or a friend.  Love is also different for every person, don’t judge.

 

If you are judging, you look and sound jealous.

 

If you are reading this and you are a teen, the love you know if you feel you are in love, is not the same as love you will feel later in life.  We love differently when so young.  IF and when it fails, IT WILL HURT.  Not just your first love, which hurts and leaves a scar no matter your age, all love, if it fails, hurts.  That’s ok.  You’ll survive.  Trust me, I know.

 

Don’t fear falling in love but don’t love foolishly.  There are many kinds of love you will have in your life.  You will love someone romantically, maybe several someone’s.  You will love friends.  You may love a mentor.  You may love people you work with.  These are all love but they are different.  Learn the difference.

 

Don’t be scared to love.  Don’t be scared if it fails.  Most will.  But you can love them completely and move on and always love them looking back.  Too many divorced couples spend too much time hating.  Just, love what you had but choose to move on.  Hatred is such a waste.

 

Love bravely.

Love who YOU choose.

Love proudly.

 

BEAUTY

Both men and women can be beautiful.

Everyone is beautiful to someone.

Not everyone thinks you are beautiful.

Not everyone needs to.

You are beautiful.

It’s ok if you don’t always feel beautiful.

 

LUST

Lust is many things.  The most provocative, of course, is sexual.  We’ll start there.  It’s important to know the difference between lust, love and lonely.  Many people I know have set bad patterns in their life because they substitute one for the other.  They all have their place but lust is the easy one to solve.  It is also the most dangerous and least rewarding.

 

We all desire things or people.  This is normal.  Advertising is based on it and many of the things we have in our life but don’t need, can be accredited to lust in some form.  Lust is not a bad thing, but is almost never what we make it out to be.

 

One thing to pay attention to is that lust is sometimes a symptom of emotional needs not being met.  When we try to fulfill our emotional needs through physical experience, we will ALWAYS come up short.

 

Lust is not a cure for emotional need.  That’s a rule, period.

 

I lusted after a Jeep for a long time but I made the things I needed priority, usually.  So as you can see, lust is not always sexual.  Things we desire to have or experience can be some of the best things in our lives.

 

Some people will philosophically say, desire the things you have, and you will be happy.  I suppose that can be true but I know no one who always does that.  Need never defines the things we have in our lives or we would only own and do the most economical things that simply meet needs.  Yeah, no way to live and nothing I suggest aspiring to.

 

Lust can tell us what were missing in our life but it’s not always what were lusting for.  I lusted after my Jeep but what I really needed was the ability to get into the back country and spend more time away from an increasingly busy, loud and claustrophobic world.  The Jeep was a symbol and vehicle, literally, to meeting a need.  This core need, could have been met other ways, but the Jeep is how I chose to meet it.

 

If you lust after someone, you have entered into a different situation we have all been in.  Sometimes it leads to something amazing, usually not.  I see lust relationships with people a lot like attending a concert.  When hearing their music in your ipod, they sound perfect, on pitch and dream-like.  In person, in concert, the energy can be amazing but the performance almost never lives up to your hopes.

 

Just remember that lust is almost always temporary and eventually, it becomes the seafood that stayed in the fridge too long.

 

SEX

I know that there is a lot to be said on this topic.  This isn’t THE talk.  That should be done in person, as a discussion, for there are many questions.  I will tell you some major parts I think are often overlooked.

 

Sex isn’t a tool

Sex isn’t a weapon.

Sex isn’t insignificant.

 

Now I won’t tell you when or how or who or whatever … That’s for each person to decide.  Sex can be part of a wonderful relationship or it can be something casual.  I won’t tell you what it has to be, that is again, for each person to decide.  I will tell you this though, casual is not meaningful.  Life needs more meaning, not less.

 

There will be times in your life when things feel very powerful with someone and those times are amazing.  There will be times when less is what is needed.  We ebb and flow.

 

When there is pressure to have sex, sex is a bad idea.  I’m not just saying someone else pressuring you, which is very wrong, usually the pressure comes from ourselves.  The pressure to join in, or know what others know is not as important as it being meaningful.  If you are pressuring yourself to have sex, slow down.  There should never be pressure to have sex, from anyone.

 

So let’s shift gears and stop talking about sex specifically and consider intimacy.  Sex is part of intimacy, but far from it all or even the most important.  Holding hands and kissing can be far more intimate, than sex.  It isn’t something you have to hide.  But again, they should never be used as a weapon or a tool.

 

Sex will happen in its own time, naturally.

Don’t rush to it or through it.

 

TAKING CHANCES

This is simple, TAKE CHANCES!  Ok, not all of them.  Take chances that have meaning to you.  Ask that person out that you have been wishing would ask you.  Apply for the job you want.  Plan for and schedule the trip you keep thinking about.  Chase some dreams.

 

Dreams don’t usually pay the bills so you cannot be too crazy but there’s nothing wrong with chasing some dreams.  The dreams are the things you wish were in your life.  The best way to add the things you wish you had is to go after them.  Some people make a career out of a dream they have.  Some become defined by the dreams they chase, in a good way.

 

The best advice I can tell you is that most of the amazing times I have had have been built out of dreams.  Most of the things that friends love to talk about in regards to me are related to the dreams I have chased.  Some of the best times I have had have been in the pursuit of dreams.

 

HATRED

Don’t hate.

 

It’s such an easy ‘go to’ emotion that’s so over used.  We hate this or that or those people because they are different or said something you don’t agree with or because hatred is easier than love cause hatred wont let you down.  It’s the emotion of the weak.  It is also the emotion of hurting yourself and others.  No one ever hated another in a good way.  No one ever hated someone and got a positive outcome.

 

Modern society acts as if you only have two choices when it comes to people; Hate or love.  Reserve your love for VERY few.  Hatred should be even less.  If you want to hurt someone, one you have some issues there but two, ignore them, don’t care about them at all.  Hatred is a powerful emotion that takes more from you than them.

 

One thing to remember, hatred demonstrates a passionate connection.  You cannot hate someone you don’t care about; so don’t gimme that.

 

We can dislike a choice made by someone.  We can hate words spoken by someone.  But to truly hate that person, even if they are the complete opposite of every value you hold dear, means they have power over you and got inside you.  To hate someone, means they own you.  If you know someone who speaks words that make your blood boil, the most powerful thing you can do, is to walk away and ignore them.

 

I have always felt flattered by those who have hated me.  I felt special that they gave me so much time and energy.   Hating someone gives them a lot of attention.  As a client of mine once said, “Don’t let someone you hate, live in your head.”

 

You are better than hatred.

Hatred is a waste of your time.

 

LETTING GO

Loss sucks.  As I have mentioned, most of the people in our lives will exit our lives.  The loss you feel when someone or a dream is lost, is real.  It isn’t childish.  You are human.  And real.

 

The key is that mourning and feeling empty and missing someone are all healthy things to do and experience.  But they also must be temporary things we do.  I’m not saying that mourning and missing someone can only be for a certain time then you forget and move on, but the loss cannot dominate your life or define it.  Life cannot be about our losses.

 

This is a very personal thing so I wont tell you how to deal with loss or change, but it is healthy to be able to let go and move on, but also healthy to stop and reflect and mourn loss, even the loss of a dream.

 

FREE SPEECH

Yes this is a topic in politics but we’ll get to that later.  The reason I’m bringing this up is that it’s so common that conflict starts with what someone says.  The spoken word is one of the most powerful tools in the world.  But I want you to think about what is powerful words and what isn’t; more importantly, why and how.

 

Consider this: for some within religion, the most powerful works they know are from their dogma.  These words can literally inspire a lifetime for some.  For others, political speeches are the most powerful words ever spoken, and worthy as well as some in religion, as being engraved in granite.  For still others it is lyrics sung, or poems, or written on the pages of an amazing book.

 

If powerful words are universal, then why do not the same words move everyone the same?  Why do some words change some lives and mean nothing to others.  Why do some words provoke outrage, and others nothing at all.  There are no impotent words.  There are also no universally powerful ones.

 

The reason words are powerful is we assign value to them.  Sometimes it is the word, sometimes it’s who said it, or when, or directed at who.  I have read and even written some very powerful words.  But the ones with the most power are the ones either said by the people who mean the most to me, or by people I don’t like.

 

Don’t let words define your emotions or people.  Most words that provoke emotions, called trigger words, are just words.  We assign value to them ourselves.  There are certain ones that can provoke response, but it was not always so.

 

No word has always been divisive, nor always will be.  Words also have different meaning in different languages and cultures so if words or people are provoking powerful emotions, it is more about us than the word or those who spoke them.

 

As you get older you will find certain people in your lifetime, have made a life out of being triggering.  Some in my life, usually in politics or religion, have made an entire career out of saying triggering things.  That is their chosen role in life.  I used to listen, I stopped somewhere when I discovered I didn’t really care since they were just trying to evoke an emotion from others. (remember hatred)

 

There are others who will say things that boil your blood.  Your mistake will be making them powerful to you.  We can say mostly, anything we want.  Freedom of speech is a Constitutional right.  If you feel that people should not be able to say some things, first consider what you should not be allowed to say.  If your own answer is nothing, then consider what you expect of others.  And grow up.

 

The only way your own freedom of speech is protected is for it to be universal.  If you feel that this freedom should not be universal, then come talk to me, I did something very wrong in your life and we need to work on it.  But you are free to think, and speak, as you like, regardless of me.

 

The way to limit the power of triggering words, is to remove your emotional connection to them.  You can hold the other ‘accountable’ to the words they said, but it is you that makes them powerful, not them.  Words are just words; and this is coming from someone who has written over a million words in his life.

 

Never in history have words been spoken that were known to be as powerful as they became.  Never in history, has anyone been universally powerful, by the spoken word.  Never has society been so limited, than by assigning power to words not worthy of the power.

 

The freest societies have free speech.

The most oppressed, started by limited free speech.

 

TRENDS

Trends can be fun.  If they aren’t fun they aren’t a trend you need to acknowledge.  Trends can be used to divide or to define and they are almost always wrong.  In reality I don’t know any trend that has defined accurately but I don’t know every trend so …

 

If you feel the need to follow a trend to ‘keep up’, then step back and get to know yourself better.  If you have friends who feel that you must follow the trends to be accepted, find new friends.

 

To be confident enough to be yourself, no matter what others say, is far more powerful than to be one of the herd, that all look or act similar just to be accepted.  We all want to be accepted so it’s an understandable idea but we also want to be ourselves, and we cannot be ourselves if you are like so many others.

 

Trends also circle.  Fashion comes around again about every 30 years.  The 2010’s teens did not invent cut jeans, that was an 80s thing on a return trip.  Some of the 80s style I grew up in was a return of 50s style, such as leather jackets.  There are always outliers in style, including music and fashion and what entertainment you like but that’s because there is broad taste.

 

I can tell you that if you have seen movies that try to represent the 80s that were written in the 2000s, they are very wrong.  Movies made in the day are more realistic but still microcosms.  I could not relate to Valley Girl, neither could most anyone not in Southern California, but I could relate to The Breakfast Club.  Whatever you may think was accurate of an era in the past, is inaccurate.  The reason is we think trends define an era, and they don’t.  Most people were between trends, not with them.

 

They key is to have fun, not conform unless you want to.  I promise when you look back on your past, you may cringe but if you had fun, who cares.  At the time of this writing, luckily the mullet has not made a return trip, but I had one and liked mine!

 

If I had hair, I’d have hair like Sam Elliot.  Or more specifically, Wade Garrett (look him up).

 

POLITICS (Notice it comes after trends, big clue there) 

Politics is another tough one.  There are a few things to keep in mind though.  Politics is a business.  There is a range of what that means.  Some politicians are truly trying to serve.  But they serve by raising revenues for their district and they must constantly fund raise, A LOT.  On the other end of that range is the politicians who are getting very wealthy by taking pay offs and bribes but more often manipulating public policy to favor businesses they have interest in.  This is as true when you read this as it ever was.  This is not new.

 

I know this sounds cynical but the Government does not serve you.  The Government’s job is to serve the Nation first.  It protects its assets and positions itself favorably for gain in a global political and economic system.  The second job of the government is to protect itself.  Sounds silly or obvious maybe but with no government, there is no nation so from the government’s position it must preserve itself.  The third job is to protect the nation’s political and economic allies to help ensure national security and stability.

 

Notice what is missing from the above paragraph?  Where do you fall into the hierarchy?  You are also protected, as a resource.  A nation runs on its population.  We are taxed and manufacture and fight in wars to protect our nation’s interests.  We are a resource, like food.  I’m not being cynical, I am being very honest and this is true of EVERY nation.

 

Ask yourself this; if a government serves an industry and the government does so to serve itself, then what will it serve itself and industry with?  In other words, what resource are they using to serve the given needs?  You.

 

Who individual politicians serve is varied.  Corporations contribute MASSIVE amounts of money to candidates.  In 2018 the Koch brothers spent 400 million dollars on a mid-term election alone.  They expect something for that.  They do not have anymore votes than you or me though.  So the politician must also court your vote.  All they really need is your vote.  After that they just need to not get caught doing something but that rarely happens from the people who vote for them.  The press usually catches them.  (see the first amendment)  We complain about broken campaign promises; see again, politicians must court your vote but do not serve you.

 

Now, with all that said, your nation is not likely to fall into anarchy or civil war anytime soon.  It can feel that way as a teen or young person and there have been times we have teetered on the brink of drama.  But even in the great depression, we were not close to collapse.

 

There is a flip side to this as well.  The government has an interest in either manipulating its population or nudging it in directions to let the government pursue its desired goals that may not be accepted, understood or popular with the population.  The usual way is through fear.

 

The 20^th century was great at this.  We went through a time of isolationism and ignored the world so we turned to fearing the wealthy of our own nation and demonizing things like alcohol and gambling.  When Japan attacked us we were finally forced to look outside our own borders.  After WWII, we feared communism, first inside our own boarders, then outside.  Right after the cold war ended we found the Middle East and Muslims, then terrorism … seamless transitions of identified fears.  Always someone to fear…

 

All of them were always there before and yet never feared, until that fear was needed.  All of this permitted the government to wage wars solidify power it wanted to, rather than needed to.

 

Consider this, if we are fearful enough of terrorism, then a government can get away with mining your personal information in the name of security.  Terrorism did not make that happen, our government did.  That data mining serves their preservation, not our freedom.  Remember, we are a resource.

 

At the time of this writing, Syria and the issues there, are almost never talked about.  However the events that were going on there and always in the news 2-4 years ago are still going on.  So why the change in what the news is reporting?  Because reporting it no longer serves the needs it met before.

 

I am NOT saying government is bad or the root of all evil.  It is a necessary evil though.  See it for what it is and don’t go to an extreme.  See the whole picture and use your common sense.  If the government is telling you to be scared, ask yourself why they want you to be scared and how does it serve them.  The government never told the US citizens to fear Nazi’s, they told us we will overcome.  Empowerment is NOT identifying a group to fear, that is oppression.

 

We have been told to fear terrorists.  We have been told to fear Communism.  We have been told to fear Mexicans.  We have been told to fear specific people like The Shaw of Iran, Saddam Hussain, Kim Jong-il, Muslims, minorities, illegal immigrants … while most never materialized to much of an actual threat to us as a people.  Terrorists never fail to solidify a population against them.

 

The reason we were told to fear them, was to permit the government to do what THEY wanted, to serve its own agenda.  The Iraq war was based on false documents to serve a political/economic need.  Not to protect us, the fear was the permission slip.

 

The running of any nation is a dirty business.  It is not what most want to see or know about.  Government is good at keeping the nation going.  By serving itself and preserving itself, it also serves and preserves its population.  You can see many, many times when nation’s leaders killed its own population en-mass, and the nations collapsed.  Eventually …

 

Your nation will protect you.  You can trust it as much as an in-law.  When your interests serve its interests or does not get in the way of theirs and may garner votes, it will serve your interests.  That’s the best I have on Politics.

 

 

TAXES

Stop making taxes an assault on your freedom.  Without them in ample supply, freedom cannot be ensured.  Those who feel we are too highly taxed, are ignorant of how government works.  But again, freedom of speech.  We are the least taxed nation in the world, other than Switzerland.  And we have the highest debt.  That debt WILL come due, all of a sudden.  It WILL be crippling.

 

 

TRAGEDY

Tragedy will happen.  It will happen often.  It will happen in far away lands to people you know little about and it will happen in your own life.  First thing to understand is not everything unfortunate is a tragedy, at least not to all.  Children and puppies die.  Innocent people die uselessly.  Bad people also live full lives.

 

156,000 people die a day as of this writing.  Loss must be personal to be tragic.

 

I will never tell someone what they should care about or feel the impact of deeply.  There will be and likely have been some seminal events in our shared culture we can say, “where were you when”.  I have had several for my lifetime, Challenger disaster and 9/11 are big ones.  Locally Columbine HS was a big one still referred to.

 

I can say this; usually the tragedy is not as bad as it feels at first.  Sometimes it keeps getting worse.  But how you feel when it happens is not how you will always feel, nor how you will feel about the event for all time.

 

Tragedy is personal.  Your feelings will not be the same as others about the same event even if you experience that event right next to them.  Tragedy is also to be moved on from eventually.  There will be another.  But more importantly, tragedy cannot diminish the joy that life has to offer.  We experience it and sometimes it takes a while to move on from it, but plan to.  Do so.  Live on.

 

VIOLENCE 

It feels like a violent world.  That sucks.  That DOES NOT mean most people are violent.  Most aren’t.  Most people are good and well meaning and can be trusted.  But the world is fascinated with violence.  America is more so than most nations I have visited.  Our TV is more violent, our movies are more violent and our video games are VERY violent.  Many sports are also violent.

 

I’m not saying that the Middle East is not violent, or East Africa.  They are as well but that’s an odd club to be in.  Violence should not be something we grow used to.  Violence cannot be a culture.  Violence is used to force someone to change.  Violence is meant to project ones beliefs on another.  “Agree or pay the price”.

 

We accept violence in many ways.  Entertainment is the most common.  We see thousands of shootings by the time we are 30 years old.  Domestic Violence is shown on police shows and movies with regular occurrence.  For a long time, domestic violence was the mainstay of programming on networks aimed at women.

 

Sports are also often violent.  The risk is part of what sells some sports.  I spent over a decade in racing and the risk was part of the appeal.  I actually feel that auto racing has become too safe.  I know that sounds odd but it comes from another point I often make about violence.

 

There are two kinds: Violence we impose on someone else and there is the risk we accept knowingly to pursue certain interests.  The first is never good.  The second is fine in my opinion, if the person understands and accepts the risk.  I accepted the risk involved in auto racing, but it would be unacceptable if I punched someone who felt I was foolish for risking myself in such a way.

 

Try not to be shocked by the violence we see in culture.  It will help you see events more clearly.  But violence should and will still shock you.

 

 

FEAR 

I could stay as simple as FDR’s opinion on it:  “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”  But if you think I will just leave it at that, you really don’t know me that well.  That statement was made by Roosevelt in his first inaugural address in 1932 and the nation was in a depression.  He was inspiring people to not be frozen in fear but to act and keep working.  It’s a good message.

 

Fear is your early warning system.  Anyone who says they are fearless is wrong and a fool.  Please extract them from your life, they are dangerous.  If we are alive we have listened to our fear.  People can appear fearless and I won’t get into how nervous systems work but there are kinds that show fear far less, even if they feel it.

 

Also, with experience we lose some or a lot of fear and show it less.  Pilots were all scared when they first flew alone, but over time most become comfortable in what used to scare them.  The first time you drive a car can be terrifying, but in time, it is normal and can be done easily.

 

You were scared when you first did things because with no or little experience, you are not sure how to do them well.  Even with experience, fear can still show you what you are doing is important and you value doing it well.

 

Fear is not a bad thing even if people tell you it is a weakness.  Those who say that, are the most scared.  Have sympathy for them.  I was still occasionally scared in a racecar even after a decade of racing.  But instinct and skill born from experience kept me from most accidents.

 

Listen to your fear but do not let it run your life, or love or keep you from change you desire.  A life lived in fear will leave you with nothing but regrets.

 

REGRET

This is not a simple issue.  There are people that will tell you to live everyday without regret.  That’s impossible so forget that.  It is an impossible thing to do and a meaningless statement.  This is more of a sales pitch, not a possibility.  ALL lives have regret.  We can see our past failings in the context of what we learned and make positives of them and I am proud of my scars, but every person has regrets.

 

To minimize regret is GREAT.  I don’t have many but I have some whoppers.  Everyone I know has them.  Think of it this way.  Say you had a bad day at home and later you snap at a coworker based on the issues at home, if you do not regret being rude to your coworker then you are likely to repeat it.  Someone who doesn’t have many regrets has little conscious.  That’s very bad.

 

Ok, so what do you do with regret?  You make lemonade.  I have done things I wished I had not.  Some of them I didn’t feel like I had many other choices, but we always have choices.  Some I did based on best information at the time.  Some I did out of negligence or even being mean.  Some, I was just stupid.  Learn from them.

 

Regret is like fear, it is trying to tell you something.  Listen.  Sometimes it will tell you to do it different next time.  Sometimes it’s too late to have another opportunity but you may be able to apply the lesson learned to something current.

 

If regret is weighing on you like guilt, own it.  Own it and it will become a positive, or at least less of a negative.  This will take courage, but it will also make you strong.  Others will always respect you to some degree.

 

 

RESPECT

This will be an easy one.  Respect is earned and yes it is deserved.  But respect is also conditional.  Everyone deserves respect unless they have either taken advantage of it, abused it or in the most common case where respect is lost, act like it is not conditional.

 

Give respect to get it.

 

Respect does not mean trust.  You can respect a person for something they have done that is hard, but that does not mean they can be trusted to act the same way for you or anyone else.  Also, horrible people have done amazingly wonderful things.  Just as wonderful people have done horrible things.

 

Life is not very straight forward.

 

MARRIAGE

First rule: Take it seriously.  It is work.  It is teamwork.  It is also a lifelong commitment that if you are not willing to make, then don’t even start.

 

Second rule:  If you ever find yourself saying before you get married, “If it doesn’t work, I’ll just get a divorce.”  Don’t. I’m not saying don’t get one, I’m saying never go into marriage with that as your plan.  You will need it if you do and you have no idea how bad a divorce can be, even among people who love one another.  There is nothing ‘just’ about a divorce.

 

Marriages can be called a contract and in many states, legally that’s exactly what they are.  You combine assets, meaning property, cash time and work, to make a single life together.  It’s a beautiful thing.

 

There WILL be bad times.  There will be stress.  There will be times when things seem to be against you.  Part of marriage is working TOGETHER and managing or solving these issues.

 

I am a research person, so I’ll work from this angle as well.  The most important thing for a marriage to work is proximity.  That means that the two of you need to spend time together.  This is why the military has such a high divorce rate.  It doesn’t mean if you are not traveling this is not an issue; being apart because one or both of you work so much is also lack of proximity.

 

The biggest single stress on a marriage is money.  If you make money a major part of your marriage, you risk your marriage based on the ups and downs of fortune.  If money and success is part of your marriage dynamic, so be it, but there will likely still be financial stress.

 

Know what ‘the honeymoon phase’ is.  This is the usually euphoric state that follows for 3-6 months after the honeymoon when your marriage seems magical and perfect.  It will fade, but that doesn’t mean your marriage in waning.  It means your marriage is following a healthy path.

 

I won’t tell you how to make your marriage work, there is no set plan but I will say that communication is the most overlooked, and most important requirement of marriage.  Two people who will spend the rest of their life together and likely the most time with one another have to have some way to communicate effectively.  There is no one way, but find a way that works for BOTH of you.

 

Marriage is a two way street.  Sometimes one will need more than the other but it cannot always be that way.  If you feel invisible or feel the other should be, I suggest counseling.

 

There is another part, which will lead to the next section… IF things are unsafe or beyond repair, make a plan and leave.  An unsafe marriage is no marriage.  Abuse, be it physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or financial has no place in a marriage.

 

If you have time, consult a lawyer first.  Know how to do it best.  But before it gets to that point, work TOGETHER to solve or manage issues.  If only one of you is working, it is not a marriage.

 

CHILDREN

Children are often the best part of an adult’s life.  They will make your life fuller, more entertaining and more challenging.  They are also the biggest commitment you will ever make.  If you are not ready to focus your life around them, don’t have them or at least not yet.

 

Things will come before children, sorta.  The bills need to be paid.  Medical issues may demand kids be handed off in an emergency.  That’s ok, as long as it is temporary.

 

Children will be THE most demanding and important aspect of your life once you choose to have them.  They will be your priority in almost or all of the things you do after you have them.  They will consume time, money, resources, patience, understanding and change your life forever.  Be ready for that.

 

They will also be the most amazing and fulfilling aspect if your life and provide you with many or most of your best memories.  The pride you will feel in your own children will not be equaled in anything or anyone else.  They will be more important than anyone else in your life, and you’ll make that choice without even knowing it.

 

I know whoopses happen, but please, plan for your children as much as you can.  They will change your life regardless but being ill prepared only makes it harder on all of you.  They deserve a great childhood and parents as much as you did.

 

Encourage them to compete in things that interest them.  DO NOT HOPE FOR PARTICIPATION RIBBONS!  Jobs are competition and if they do not learn to deal with competition, you are denying them adulting skills.  They need chores and expectations, again, adulting skills.  Teach them responsibility and consequences or life will kick them in the butt as adults.  If you do not do these, you have only taught them dependency.

 

This is a hard one in my generation but the lessons are frequent enough to know it is an issue, you should never be ‘best friends’ with your kids.  That’s a copout for you as a parent.  Be a damn parent!  This doesn’t mean you cannot go to concerts with them or hang out casually as adults later in life but your kids have friends, and best friends, and you are and should always be, their parent.  They can find a friend, they only have one mom and one dad, don’t take that away.

 

NEVER plan for your children to raise eachother.  They deserve a childhood and DO NOT have the skills to raise one another or themselves.  If you neglect them, I will step in.  COUNT ON IT.

 

Teach them to ride a bike, no one does that anymore …

 

DIVORCE 

If your marriage comes to this, I am sympathetic.  There are several things to remember in divorce:

 

1 – Always consult a lawyer.  You may not know the laws in your state and you could delay the process if you do not follow the procedure.

 

2 – It will likely not be as easy or as amicable as you hope.  Many divorce s are horrible.  Some are disgusting.

 

3 – It is NOT a competition where you try and screw the other as much as possible.  If you want to, go for it but it is ugly and few or no one will want to hear about your desire to ‘fuck over’ the other person.

 

4 – You will lose touch with friends: It’s just a fact.  Some will choose to remain closer friends with one or the other of you.  That is THEIR choice and not your right to ‘own’ them.  Some will walk away from you both.  Again, that is their right and they did not do anything wrong if they chose to do so.

 

5 – Few people will want to hear about your divorce.  Some friends will listen and give you an ear and support and thank god, but divorce is ugly, fractious, and personal for all.  Divorce is painful for ALL connected to it.

 

If you have kids and you are not protecting them and doing best for them, check yourself.  Having children means you committed your life to serving them as a parent/adult/role model.  Be an adult.  Be a parent.  Be a role model.  DO NOT make them a pawn in your divorce they may not have asked for, hoped for or understand.

 

Children are always hurt by divorce.

 

Children will be angry at times.

 

Children won’t understand.

 

They are not a sounding board for YOUR divorce, no matter their age.

 

Children are NOT a pawn in your divorce.

 

Be an adult and I will give you a piece of my mind if I find you seeing it as a competition, or finding glee in hurting someone.  I will step in if you are hurting or ignoring your children in the process.  If need be, I will step in legally to protect them if you forget to.

 

 

FAME 

Don’t be impressed by fame.  I have met some famous people and some VERY famous people.  They were either as normal as you and me or they were fake as hell.  Either way, there is no need to be impressed with them.  You can respect what they have done or be impressed with their contribution but to place someone on a pedestal, means they do not have to live to the same rules and that is wrong.

 

Some will seek fame because they want to feel love.  That’s fine, their choice but that is no reason to give them your attention.  To be impressed with someone for being famous makes no sense.  To be impressed with someone cause they are well known, makes no sense.  Charles Manson was well known, and famous … does he demand your respect?

 

People can also be famous for being famous.  Being famous is not that hard.  Being famous for a reason you want to be is hard.  Don’t be greatly impressed with little.

 

We don’t divide on any one thing, universally.  Fame is a slippery slope.  We tend to judge famous people differently, and we tend to give them credit where it is often not earned.  I have had several people in my life I have admired.  Some were famous and I never met them but I can only judge them for what I know and that’s fine.  I should not assume what I admire them for is everything about them.

 

Fame is usually fleeting and never the whole story.  Most people who are famous in your life right now, won’t continue to be so.  Fame is often like a trend, there are people who come and go.  Some will be famous throughout your life but they are rare.

 

Still, there are people who have been famous my whole life and several I don’t respect.  Some I do respect. Most I really have no opinion on.  Feeding fame should be someone else’s job.

 

 

HEROES/MENTORS

We all have and need hero’s and mentors.  You will choose your own.  It is not uncommon to first identify with the hero’s of our parents but eventually we find our own.  They aren’t always someone we want to be like, or wish we were.  They are usually people that either exemplifies traits we respect or people who help us fulfill our own self image.

 

First thing to know about ALL hero’s and mentors; they are all flawed.  We tend to see what we want to see and eventually have to see more.  Flawed is fine. Were all flawed.  In high school I wrote about the noble flaw and how it is sold as a bad thing; the thing that will bring down our hero.  I see them as the thing that makes people noble.  Without flaw, we cannot identify with them.  Perfection has flaws.  So do our hero’s.

 

With that in mind, seek out people who can teach you along the way to your goals.  Your parents have been in that role for a long time but everyone has a limited pallet to draw from.  I learned basic auto mechanics from my father.  It wasn’t long before I surpassed him and had to learn on my own.  Then I found other car people who I could learn with, not from.  Then when I started racing I learned more from my crew chief and I found a specific racing mentor, who eventually also sponsored me.  Learning is an evolution.  I surpassed that mentor in many areas as well.

 

Eventually, I became a mentor, and a teacher and a coach and the cycle continued.  My father didn’t learn his mechanics from his father, he learned it on his own.  But he handed it down, and I handed down and somewhere there are people who know something about mechanics and racing because my father taught himself how to work on a car.

 

Perhaps the greatest testimony to anyone who teaches you, is when you realize they have taught you enough to not always need them.  My first race without my crew chief placed huge demands on me.  I did well, not because he wasn’t there, but because I learned enough from him, to succeed even if he could not be there.  When my racing mentor died, it was scary, but I also realized I was moving on beyond him.  So did he.  As a former track record holder he was my benchmark.  Soon after he died, I surpassed his record.  He would have been proud.  But he was still my mentor.

 

Hero’s are a tougher deal in a way.  When we name someone a hero, an over used term nowadays, we elevate them to a higher plane of importance and influence.  Pick your hero’s carefully and don’t be reluctant to drop them.  I have had very few in my life.  Usually, they have earned the status due to a long term demonstration of values I both respect, and seem uncommon in some way.

 

The reality is that not everyone can be a hero.  When I was a kid, after seeing my first race, most racecar drivers were heroes to me.  I saw them as knights.  When I became a racer, I refined my list to those I felt raced bravely.  They stood out once I knew what to look for.

 

Today, my list of hero’s is short but, some may be reading this.

 

SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is here to stay.  DO listen to the idea that anything you put online is there forever.  I’m sure this is not always true, but post that way.  Send that way.  You have or soon will see evidence of this.

 

As mentioned, on-line relationships are not substitutes for real ones.  If you want them to see something private, be with them in private when you show them.  There is NO privacy in on-line or electric communications.  EVERY digital photo is fully transmittable.

 

Remember that on-line communication is best used to enhance a real relationship or substitute for real connection when appropriate.  It is only a tool, not the real world.

 

Comment threads and chat rooms are not real world nor do they represent real world opinions.  I’m not saying that the emotions are not mostly authentic, they are, but people speak on-line with more brazen disconnect from reality than they almost always do in reality.  Also, not everyone posts on-line equally.  Those confident and comfortable in their opinions in reality are far less likely to post them in a chat or on-line.  Remember, on-line is only a tool for the emotionally and socially healthy.  It can be the whole world for the unhealthy.  Think about that…

 

I think the idea here is to understand that anonymity or distance from you via on-line communications can make people artificially brave and thus inauthentic.  They will say things they would not normally say in person, even if they claim they would.  There is an off button on whatever device you are on-line with.  Don’t argue.  Unplug.

 

Never send or post anything you don’t want to be spread around the world.  There have been private images sent that end up on porn sites.  Your bosses may attempt to cruise your social media pages.  The people who are considering hiring you WILL. I promise.

 

Every email, every text, every message sent electronically can be captured and stored and forwarded later to someone else.  If you ever doubt this, sit in a divorce hearing.

 

ENJOY social media.  Use it right.  Have fun.  Be smart.

 

JUSTICE/SOCIAL JUSTICE

The law is not always fair.  The law is not applied equally.  I know this sounds cynical but it is not intended that way.  It’s just the reality that will become evident.  The law protects the rich more than the poor.  The law prosecutes the poor more than the rich.  There are not equal prosecutions for rich and poor, white and minorities, connected and not.  Justice is NOT blind.

 

Also realize, the law is not Justice.  Justice is what happens by when the law is enforced.  The purpose of the law is not to prosecute, it is to prevent.  It is a set of limits we’re expected to respect.  Most do, most of the time.  All laws are broken.  Some are broken often, like speed limits.  Every law is broken everyday.  We don’t fund our police forces with enough money to be fully staffed and they are often behind on technology.  They CANNOT catch all offenders even when they know the law has been broken.  There are also many times, if not most, when they are not even aware a law has been broken.

 

Law officers are human.  That means they are just as mistake prone as you or me.  We can ‘expect’ that this is not acceptable in life and death situations but again, they are human.  Here is the other side; police investigate THEMSELVES when shootings take place.  That is not justice.  That is done to control the fall out.  There are many times the law has been wrong but did not punish itself.  That includes deaths.  If I kill someone unjustly, I can be convicted, if a police officer does so, even off duty, they are usually retired with pension and VERY rarely prosecuted in a criminal way and almost never found guilty.

 

Now I am not saying the law is wrong.  I’m not saying to not trust it.  Most police officers I have met have been honorable people doing a very hard job.  But many of the legal cases I have been connected to were miscarriages of justice.  The guilty get away with A LOT.  Do not expect justice to satisfy you.  It often won’t.

 

Another thing to remember, I have been in the middle of a couple investigations.  Law officers can lie to you, and will.  Law officers can manipulate you, and will.  Law officers can and will play games, in the name of an investigation.  They are very good liars.  They will make you feel guilty, even if you are not.

 

I will make one thing very clear in contrary to what is often said, if you are being investigated, get a lawyer.  Innocent people get lawyers.  Movies, TV shows and law officers will try to convince you otherwise; they are lying.  Also, evoking a lawyer does not mean questioning will stop, nor has to.  But once you HAVE a lawyer, they cannot question you without one.

 

I’m not saying this expecting you to need one, but I know very few people who have never needed a lawyer.

 

Knowing all this is not a permission slip to make your own justice.  Social justice is usually in itself a miscarriage of justice and you are usually breaking laws to exact revenge.  There is also a good rule, the second person in a fight is usually the one that gets caught.  You have no excuse when you are caught exacting social justice.

 

I have broken the law.  I have broken significant laws.  I have also exacted social justice.  I have done so to the tune of a lot of money.  I was wrong to break laws.  I was wrong to cost people when I broke laws.  The social justice I have exacted, never got me justice.

 

I touched on revenge.  Revenge is not a profitable pursuit.  “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”.  This is true for the most part.  Revenge is not about justice, it is about your own pain.  Revenge won’t cure it.

 

The most powerful people in the world have a common skill.  The ability to walk away.

 

THE PRESS

The press has an important national role.  Free Press is mandatory for a free state.  But do not always accept the press as purely honorable or professional.  Like police officers, there are many very good and honorable journalists.  There are also opportunists and there are scumbags.

 

In my life I have rarely seen national attention for a missing poor black teenager; or a missing homely white woman, or for almost any boy.  Rarely have Search and Rescue operations seeking men been well known, but make it a woman and it likely is.  Make it a young white blonde girl, and the world will likely know.  Make it a young, blonde, attractive wealthy woman and it is a national tragedy.  You get my point.

 

Truth be fair, most that go missing are girls/women.  This is just an example I am giving to show that the press is not an unbiased reflection of the events around us.  The news is a cherry picked selection that will sell commercial time.  Consider that only yesterday, I saw a news report regarding the imminent winter storm with predicted snow falls of … 1 inch.

 

Tragedy happens in clusters.  Not natural disasters, there is no law of threes, but there is clusters of mass shooting types.  Mass shootings in general have no cluster because they happen almost daily.  I honestly don’t know if it is attention by the press that popularizes the idea or if the press focuses on ones that happen most days anyhow until they are no longer popular stories.  Yes, I said that mass shootings, (4 or more dead in a single event) happen MOST days in the US.  They do.

 

NEVER assume the news is all that is happening.  They focus on what sells. (if it bleeds it reads)  They will ride a story until it is dead, dead, dead.  They will ignore other stories while they focus on what they know is selling.  They will also focus on divisive angles to every story, so be aware that they ARE trying to divide listeners not only because they have a political agenda, but because division makes discussion which makes interest which makes ratings.

 

I have been interviewed many times and they will choose the sound bites THEY want, not that YOU want.  They will make the story THEY want, not the one you want to tell.  The reason is simple, they will SELL your story.

 

Also, and this will piss off some but do not blindly believe what the politically driven press says about the press.  The press is not liberal.  That is the oldest lie in American journalism.  If you cannot be bothered to look up who owns the news stations you listen to then you deserve to be fooled.  At the time of my writing this, there is NO liberal news agencies.  There are news agencies owned by very conservative companies that are pretty neutral.  And there are news agencies that are so conservative they should be painfully obvious.

 

I’m not saying this to tell you one or another party is bad I am saying if you just believe things you are told about or by the press, you will live an ignorant life.  If you hope to be or expect to be told the neutral news as gospel, you are exactly the listener they are marketing.   Your choice.

 

BULLIES 

Bullies Suck.

 

I know this will sound contradictory but bullies are weak.  They are intimidated by others and scared to show they have weaknesses.  There is only one solution.  You stand up to them.  I’m not saying you fight them, I’m saying you stand up to them.

 

Bullies are skilled at finding issues that make each person weaker.  We all have some and at certain ages, we tend to have similar ones.  We’re all insecure.  We’re all scared of something.  We’re all hiding something.  Bullies may not have great insight into you and thus manipulate you, they likely observe and poke and when they see or find a weakness, they exploit it.

 

The defense is to recognize what you are experiencing that they are triggering and understand that this is not the end all, be all, definition of you.  We all have weaknesses.

 

If what they find as a trigger is something you can at least pretend to not care about as a flaw, then they lose their power.  It will also help you deal with future bullies.  There will be more.

 

The other part of bullies that sucks is they don’t all grow out of it.  Adults have bullies too sometimes.  Same defense.  Same solution.

 

Stand up to them.

 

 

WAR

War is the act of killing other people for political and or economic gain.  There are occasionally wars of ideology such as religion as well but there is usually a political element there and many, including myself, put politics and religion in the same bed.

 

If the idea of killing other people, soldiers, civilians, kids, animals and any or all  life that is in the way does not appeal to you or if you think I am over-simplifying it, you need to look at war harder for yourself.

 

There is a fact you need to embrace before you think war is a simple answer.  Each soldier, every soldier is trained to kill humans efficiently, coldly, brutally at times and without regard whenever possible.  In order to train a soldier to have the best odds of coming home, they will be trained to kill humans.  ALL soldiers.  It changes a person forever.

 

We as a nation have already demonstrated we struggle with compassion for these soldiers when they return home, after doing exactly what their nation asked them to do.  The answer is have compassion before we go to war.

 

When we go to war, I believe we must go to war completely.  I’m not saying nuclear weapons, I mean commit to a clear purpose and timeline and have an exit plan and give our soldiers and commanders ALL they need to achieve these goals as quickly as possible and then get out of their way.  Soldiers should never want for equipment when we choose to go to war.

 

All wars started in the 20^th century were for political or economic gain.  NOT as defense.  If you want to see the bigger truth, read about The Pentagon Papers as it applies to Vietnam.  Read about the real origins of 9/11 and the fake causes of war in Iraq that came as a result.  Read not just domestic sources but foreign sources.

 

Another reality to consider when beating a war drum is, are you committed enough to this war that if it comes home, across our borders, will you still believe in the cause?  It is easier to believe in war when it is fought in someone else’s back yard.  It is also easier when the death and destruction are easily ignored.

 

War is never simple.

All wars kill and most deaths are civilians.

All wars are inhuman.

All weapons only have one purpose, to end life as efficiently as possible.

 

We as a nation have little appreciation of the true cost of war.  We have only had two wars fought on our own land.  One additional in the war of 1812 but it was minor.  The civil war is the closest of those.

 

In the entire history of the US, we have not lost less than 1 million soldiers in war, at least at the time of my writing this.  The Russian losses alone in the battle of Stalingrad in WWII, was around 500,000.  The battle of Moscow included over 1 million wounded or killed.  Those are just battles.  Not wars, much less entire history of a nation.  All loss of life in war is violent.  The US has had VERY low loss of life due to war compared to other nations.

 

IF we go to war, it is not a guarantee, but be prepared for 1,000s of American lives lost.  If this is not acceptable for you, you may want to rethink wanting to go to war.  Also, the cost Americans almost never consider, the cost of civilian lives in the nation where the war is being fought.  It can and has been in the 10,000,000s.  Civilians.  Just like you.

 

To give another example, in the battle for Okinawa, over 12,000 Americans were killed.  Over 77,000 Japanese soldiers were killed.  But over 150,000 civilians were killed.  The war had to be fought, but remember the cost before you start enthusiastically beating a war drum.

 

You are beating a drum for other families, sons, fathers, mothers, daughters, brothers, sisters, kids and parents to die.  Be sure you are ready.  WWII, an ‘honorable war’ from our perspective, killed 45,000,000 people.  Be very sure you know what you are asking for.

 

I am anti war-because I am pro-soldier.  I have had many friends serve from Vietnam to current day.  I have had many family serve, from the American Revolution to Korea.  I have worked with many veterans in my line of work.  I respect them all.  I ALWAYS have to wonder if the cost they had to pay was necessary.  Often, it isn’t.  Those eager to rush to war are not usually the ones who will fight the war.  That should tell you A LOT.

 

If you feel we should go to war, I’d like you to first consider this:  Look around you through a week.  LOOK at the people all around you.  The men and women going to war will be your friends, your co-workers, your family; your friend’s kids … you.  Many won’t come home.  Many more will come home broken.  Are you sure the war is worth that cost?

 

It is so easy to say someone should go to war.  It is also easy to say, “I’d go.” as a way of justifying the desire to go.  Back in the day, I would not have been accepted in the armed services due to metal in my body.  But I knew friends serving and I was not as eager as some of my friends to go to war, cause I wanted my friends to stay home.

 

Also, always please remember, as I said most casualties in war are civilians.  NOT soldiers.  I am as guilty of glorifying war as the next guy but it should never be glorified as we consider going to war.  They often do not die quickly.  The human cost of war can be paid for generations.

 

Consider as you red this, Agent Orange.  This was a chemical all soldiers and civilians in Vietnam were potentially exposed to by the US.  They can now see the genetic signature of it in the grandchildren of those people originally exposed.  The cost of war is ALWAYS paid for generations to come.  You do not send your friends to war, you send their entire family and family tree downstream from them, to war as well.

 

In my lifetime I have been eager for a war.  I have also seen through false justification for war.  There is a family in my neighborhood who lost two kids in Iraq/Afghanistan.  I use them as my measure.  Could I justify a new war to someone who knows the cost of war so well?  I say, any war we are eager to fight, we likely shouldn’t.  Any war we feel we need to, but fear the cost, we likely should.  War should never be rushed into; nor glorified.

 

If you are eager for war as a result of some act, I suggest you enlist.

 

Please don’t.

 

 

RELIGION

Five simple rules:

Only claim a religion if you mean it.  Millions and millions of people have died for its beliefs.

Practice what you preach.

Leave your nose out of other’s practices.

Any religion that demands money or that you hurt others is not a religion, it’s a business or a cult.

Not all who claim a religion are practicing its values. (see rule 1)

 

Most religions are based on a book written by lord knows who, pardon the pun, and was written in very different times.  Many who quote these books are not quoting them correctly or at all.  No one lives to the books teachings completely, that would be illegal in modern society so all religious application has changed from the original writing.

 

Religion can be a wonderful thing.  Most religious people are seeking structure and society; nothing wrong with either.  Most religious people are good.  But every major and many minor religion has been used to justify oppression, division, hatred, exclusion and killing.

 

Religion when practiced peacefully and in service to others is a wonderful thing.  It should never be a weapon.  It should never be justification for bad behavior.  Most people practicing a religion are doing so wonderfully, but remember those rules and honor yourself and others with respectful practice.

 

Never lose yourself to a religion.

 

 

HISTORY 

Winston Churchill said, “History shall be nice to me, for I intend to write it.”  There is an important lesson in there …

 

History is fun to learn about and we must.  The saying, “If we do not learn from the past, we are bound to repeat it” is true.  I have seen history repeat itself several times.

 

We should do our best to learn about the past from many sources.  Another accurate saying is “History is written by the winners”.  That doesn’t mean they are right and there is no way one historical accounting can be a complete and unbiased accounting of the event.

 

In my life, I have rarely found the generally accepted truth to be the whole truth.  Sometimes I have found the generally accepted truth to be mostly wrong.  It is a matter of perspective, both yours and the person providing the facts as well as the time it was told.

 

Learn about the past that interests you.  I have read some or a lot of almost every major book religions are based on, including Darwin.  None of them say what popular opinion thinks.  I am not a soldier but I have read a lot about what it means to be one so I can understand them better.  That DOES NOT make me an expert.  I have read about the politicians I have voted for and against.  Read MANY sources and think for yourself.

 

Most mistakes I have seen regarding the past is based on the active determination to only read sources that support what you want to believe.  History, if it is not at least a little uncomfortable, is not accurate or complete.  Much of human history is rather uncomfortable to know, both distant and recent past.

 

Categorical revisions of history are almost never accurate and likely serve a political, economic or cultural agenda rather than serving fact.  If an accounting of history doesn’t make sense to you, first see if it is uncomfortable, or doesn’t make sense.  Some accountings are really wrong.  Most are a little off.  Many will be uncomfortable, but pretty accurate.

 

Also, there are amazing events in the past you know almost nothing about.  History can be great fun and always teaches.  Your own history will teach others.

 

PERSPECTIVE 

We can only see the world though our own eyes.  We can discover other perspectives by doing our best to see the world through other’s eyes.  Most Americans don’t travel away from our own nation.  Many don’t even travel to far away parts of their own region.  We have also homogenized the US.

 

Ray Kroc built up McDonalds on the idea that it is comforting to find the same food anywhere you go.  So the chain restaurant was born and much of the local flavor and character of the US was lost.  It would do us well to find discomfort from unfamiliar surroundings and learn to feel discomfort in the unfamiliar and that it is not wrong.

 

Different is not wrong.

 

I am an American White Male.  I cannot see the world through the eyes of a woman.  I cannot see the world through the eyes of a black man.  I cannot see the world as an Egyptian.  But this does not mean I cannot try and learn how the world looks for each, by listening, asking, and learning.

 

We tend to seek familiar and comfortable.  We tend to judge anything not familiar and comfortable by our own standards and most things cannot measure up.

 

As I mentioned, most Americans never travel abroad.  Many who do, go to what I call ‘canned America’ such as cruise ships or resorts that cater to Americans.  Until an American goes to another nation, not just Canada, and looks back at the US from another perspective, you cannot truly see the nation.  This is the same as claiming to know your home when you have never left the inside of the home.  The outside view is VERY different and just as valid.

 

You are more like the people in other nations than dissimilar.  Your government is more similar to the government in other nations than dissimilar.  You are just as dissimilar to your government as others are to their own.  Nations divide, people don’t.  Governments go to war, people don’t.  The people you hate are far more similar to you than you’d likely like to admit.  We tend to focus on differences.

 

If you do go to Canada, discover that if not for the national border, would you even see them as very different from us?  These are too amazingly similar nations, yet we tend to focus on and dwell on the differences we see from over a line on a map.  It tells me a great deal more about the person doing the dividing, than the culture they are describing.

 

Broaden your world view as much as you can.  See the world and the US and thus yourself from other views.  This WILL be scary.  This WILL be rough in many ways but if we cannot look in the mirror, we never truly know ourselves.  If you choose to see the world from a safe and familiar chair in front of a computer, so be it, but you are missing out on most things in the world.  Most importantly, you are missing learning about you.  You are thus choosing to see your area, or your state, or your profession, or your age or gender or race or religion or yourself, incompletely.

 

YOUR PAST

By the time you read this you will have a past.  The longer you live, the longer your past.  One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that there was a past LONG before you were born and that past is a part of your world.

 

YOU are only responsible for your past.  YOU are not guilty of anyone else’s actions.  But we must learn from others and their past and our own as a family, a nation, a species.  Notice I am not saying race or religion or class or whatever …  EVERY race, religion, class or whatever has things to be proud of and things to be ashamed of but too often we use those divisions to assign blame and continue poor choices of the past.

 

Your history is what you make of it.  It does not define you.  I have done some bad things.  I have done some illegal things.  I have also done some amazingly wonderful things.  As long as I don’t ignore the bad things I have done and own them, I am not continuously a victim of my bad choices; same for the good.  Some good actions do not make you eternally good.

 

I know you will do some bad things.  I know this because you are human.  I also know you will do some amazing things.  You already have.  Most of the time, were just living day to day.  Live towards the future and make it the way you want by learning from the past.  Your past is your best teacher.  Other people’s pasts are also a good teacher.  I am writing this to help you learn from my past.  These are all things I wish someone had told me.

 

THE FUTURE

Your life can be anything you have the power to make it be.  Your limits are fewer than you think and far, far fewer than some will try to convince you of.  Dream big and adventure forward.  Life is amazing.  You’re life can be amazing.

 

Your future will not be a straight line.  It will not be as you envision it.  That’s ok.  Your life will be a like a stream in the wilderness: wandering, sometimes fast, sometimes slow and nurturing to many.  But it will never be predictable and eventually it will dry up.

 

Live every day as best you can with no expectations that every day has to be amazing.  Be the best you, you want to be.  One of the best ways to be unhappy in life is to live to everyone else’s expectations.  That’s not a fun life.  Lead your own life.

 

Life will move faster and be shorter than you think.  Weeks, months and years will start to pass much more quickly.  That is inevitable.

 

Life is not where you end up, but the journey along the way.  It will be full of love, and fun and some pain and disappointment and there will be horrible times.  But there will be times that will take your breath away.  If you are lucky, it will also be an adventure.  It will be, if you make it one.  Life will be a product of what happens to you, and the choices you make.  Your choices are the true power in your life.

 

 

YOUR POWER

This is a tough one.  This is tougher for some than others but we all doubt our own power at times.  I won’t make some self help claim like never doubt your power … we all do at times.  If not, we are a hard core narcissist and that’s A WHOLE other talk.

 

You have power over your life.  You have the most power.  You can decide to do or not do, anything.  Decisions run every life.  Choices are YOUR power.  You will make good choices and bad ones and sometimes we will choose not to decide, but you still made that choice, Thank you Rush (the band).

 

Let me say this clearly, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE ABSOLUTE CONTROL OVER ARE YOUR CHOICES.

 

No one can make you always feel a certain way; that is your choice.

No one can make you dwell on any one thought; that is your choice.

No one can make you do anything; that is your choice.

 

Those things being said, we need to do things to accomplish what we want, have what we need and desire and experience our dreams.  Make your choices powerful, leading you to where you want, what you want and how you want to be.

 

YOURSELF

Be yourself.

Be proud of yourself.

Make your own choices right for you.

Don’t let anyone pressure you to change, if you don’t want to.

 

Those being said, remember you will forever change.  You are a living being that will evolve and your interests, desires and world view will change.  Be open to it.

 

The experiences and opinions I have given you are to help, based on my experiences.  You have your own and will have many, many more.  You likely already don’t agree with all I said.  Maybe you disagree with all of it and that’s fine.

 

You don’t have to be perfect and you WILL make mistakes.  Own them.  It will take courage.  You have that.

 

The important thing is that you own you.

 

To reiterate in a different way, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”

 

 

THINGS ABOUT ME IT’S USEFUL TO KNOW

I have been in love; more than once. You may too.

I have loved with every fiber of my being.  I never regretted that even when it went wrong.

I have lost people I loved and in love with.

I have made so many mistakes, there isn’t enough memory in your computer to list them.

I have chased dreams, some were good, a couple were amazing, some I luckily gave up on, a few I survived.

I am far from flawless and I used to worry about that.  Please learn from me, and not sweat that.

I have been on the wrong side of the law.  I have been in cuffs.  I learned from it.  Learn from me and don’t follow that.

I regret the things I have feared to do.

The choices I am proudest of are the things I have chosen to do even if I was scared or it seemed overwhelming.

I have saved lives.

Anger has kept me from happiness.

I have hurt people.

There are people who hate me.

I have loved the sound of revving engines, blaring music and silence has made me cry.

I like most of me, not all of me.

I plan to die interestingly.

There are more people that love me than I know.

I won’t live forever and when I go, I hope there is a party, not a wake.

 

 

THINGS I ADMIRE ABOUT PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME

I know some amazing men and women, ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals.  I’m not just friends with them ‘cause they are fun or have a great music collection.  I admire things about them I either wish I had or love having in my life.

 

The things I admire about the men I am friends with:

They are great fathers, especially to their daughters.

They have gone to great lengths to support me, just because we were friends.

They stand by their convictions.

They admit when they have been wrong.

Warped senses of humor.

They have stood by me when I have been wrong.

They are honorable.

I have trusted some of them with my life.

 

 

The things I admire about the women most important to me:

They seem to have an endless capacity to love.

Some have loved me, and I was too blind to see it.

Some have loved me completely.

Many are smarter than me.

Every one of them is beautiful.

Their amazing ability to overcome adversity and keep going.

Tolerance.

Determination.

Wicked senses of humor.

They never gave up on themselves.

 

The best moments in my life, the ones that will pass through my mind in my last moments, will be about others and what I shared with them.

 

The women who have loved me, I admire most for I know I am not easy to love or be in love with.

 

 

MY LITTLE ADVICES:

 

Dream BIG

Live small

Learn to cook a couple amazing dishes you love.

Do small things every day, just for you.

Do small things for those you love in your life.

Sing.

Take a ride in a racecar

Plan for tomorrow and live today.

Never be ashamed of your emotions.

Never let fear stop you from dancing.

Take a flight in a glider.

Give your parent’s a break.  You aren’t as angelic or as right as you think.

Laugh loudly and often.

Many of your dreams will change throughout your life.

Don’t get mired in the past.

Learn to let go.

Love proudly.

I know at times you think you are the only smart person in the world, you aren’t.

But you are likely smarter than you think you are.

Occasionally do something stupid.

Brains aren’t everything, plenty of brilliant people fail.

Hard work is always rewarding, either in success or knowing you gave it your all.

Don’t let anyone define you or limit you.

Try not to overlook the beauty in every day life.

Adventure

Tell those you love, I love you.

Love is love.

Beauty is beauty.

And hate has no place in an intelligent world.

 

P.S. Don’t fall outa bed.

 

9/11 Another View

I won’t recall 9/11 because it is documented extensively already.   I am going to shine a light on one aspect that is rarely talked about as an example of a bigger picture.  Halifax and Gander; two names not well known.

We all know that one of the most amazing feats of aviation history was accomplished on 9/11.  What many don’t appreciate is how hard it was to land every plane in the North America (it wasn’t just US) airspace.  To clarify, the planes were not told to complete their assigned flights, they were instructed to immediately land at the first available facilities or where they were directed.

Obviously, most of these landed at major hubs but many were routed to more distant airfields away from major cities in case they too, were slated for terrorist acts.  Those who did not respond, were escorted to distant fields.

The biggest challenge, was flights crossing oceans and beyond the point they could turn around.  This became Operation Yellow Ribbon. (the US really needs a new Czar of naming things, OR SIMPLY STOP)  Now, I named two cities but it was far, far more than two that landed international and even domestic flights.  We tend to focus on the flights from Europe because the news is based on the right coast and were very Eurocentric but flights were also coming from the Pacific.

One of the most often overlooked aspects of US security operations is the amazing partner we have in Canada.  They are literally our northern gate keeper.  They have our six.  I will take the opportunity here to address one of the common ignorant views that Canada let the terrorists in.  Into Canada?  Yes.  Into the US, no.  That is 100% on us and we have far better intelligence than they do.  If you have never crossed the Canadian border and back, I suggest you do so to ‘get it’.

It was clear that the US was the target and thus Canada was a good spot to land flights that we may not be able to assess as a threat.  They could not simply be routed to Toronto and Vancouver though; they were also major cities with tall buildings and terrorist style targets, so they were landed in remote areas when possible.

Into the system of defense resources for 9/11, steps many small Canadian towns with airports.  Towns like Gander.

Gander Island has 10,000 residents.  They tend to live an isolated lifestyle on the northeastern coast of Canada.  Their airport has two runways at right angles and very few gates.  Yet, in a matter of hours, as flights arrived from the Northern Atlantic, landed 38 transatlantic flights with 6,600 passengers plus crews.

To say that the Airport and Island were overwhelmed would be a simplistic view that ignores the beauty of the day.

With a population of 10,000, there was limited hotel rooms, and restaurants.  Soon, there was nowhere left to put the new visitors.  As Canadians do, as people in emergency situations do, the citizens saved the day.  Private cars started delivering bag style meals to the visitors.  Others arrived at the airport declaring how many they could house.  For days, Gander Island was a giant well organized slumber party.

Consider that this was not as simple as putting people in makeshift facilities in gyms, meeting halls and homes, this was also keeping track of who went where and how they could be reached.  This was not in the era of ubiquitous cell phones.

Also keep in mind when considering the charity of day, this was against the backdrop of passengers high jacking planes and committing acts of terrorism with them.  These people were inviting passengers into their homes, in spite of the threat.

Halifax, Nova Scotia also became part of the US Northern Defense resources list that day and landed 47 flights.  I have been to Halifax and it is not as small as Gander but they also landed 8,800 passengers, not counting crew.  For five days, they played host to perfect strangers, not all speaking English, and took care of them.

This was not unusual, other than it was a first.  Small airports all over Canada landed planes, took in the crews and passengers and made the most of it.

This is more than small towns and some military bases landing grounded flights and taking them in.  Consider the seamlessness that two nations worked together to manage a threat to one of them.  As I mentioned, it was not just US air space that shut down, Canadian air space did as well.  As a nation and a National Aviation resource, they managed and landed over 500 flights while managing national defense flights and coordination with the US Department of Defense.

As the only major city on the west coast of Canada, Vancouver landed trans-pacific flights.  They had to do so at great risk, considering the targets Vancouver could offer.

US and Canadian Air Forces worked in concert to escort and contain some flights who were not complying with air traffic control demands.  They were often landed at Whitehorse International Airport.  None were threats and language was usually the issue in compliance although one was also a malfunctioning transponder.

Vancouver airport also played host to another miss communication from an Air China flight that was not responsive.  The 747 was escorted all the way to the ground by USAF and RCAF, F-15s.  The RCMP handled it from there.  Mind you that is US military forces combined with Canadian military resources working together to secure our air space.

On this day, a wonderful thing happened.  Two nations sharing the longest unguarded border in the world showed that we shall stand together.  More than that, citizens in Halifax, Gander, Vancouver, St. John, Winnipeg, Toronto, Calgary, Greater Moncton, Montreal, Stephenville, Goose Bay, Edmonton, Hamilton, Whitehorse, Deer Lake and Yellowknife all lent a hand in the defense of the US.

For days, strangers who didn’t know what was going on until they landed in a strange airport, only to hear about the 9/11 events, were taken in and taken care of by Canadian neighbors.

Shortly after the strikes in New York city, Canadian National Defense blended seamlessly with the US.  RCAF fighters were scrambled all over the nation to patrol the air space over cities as well as the coasts.  In the words of one Canadian F-18 pilot, ” You train for the day, This is not a drill comes over the radio, then you hope you have enough skill to do whats needed.”  He knew it was serious when being scrambled, but knew it was big when he was told he would be making contact and coordinating with a flight from the USAF.

On this day in 2001, two nations and their people, worked as one to defend the United States.  Small towns all over Canada became part of our national defense network.  On this day, people from towns and cities all over Canada, did their part in a national tragedy.  On this day, two nations were never closer.

Stop, please ….

I am going to be fairly strait on this one.  I am speaking as your neighbor, your friend, the guy in the Jeep in the woods and the one ahead of you in the line at the Supermarket.  NOT as the other side.

 

For too long and now, too deeply we are dividing.  We are dividing on only a few issues but they run deep and these are growing pains.  I get it.  But it pains me not to see division, but division based on lies, miss information and willing lack of understanding.

 

I know no cure and I often feel I am fighting the wind.  A hot wind.  An evil wind at times.  Not your evil, not my evil … hatred.  Know why people get angry over some hot button issues?  Fear.  Fear is the root of anger.  This topic angers me as much as racism and elitism.  But I keep trying.  Not trying to change anything, I am but one man against the wind.  I will be happy to get someone to listen.

 

I have listened my whole life on the gun issue.  I have listened and tried to understand and I cannot.  Or at least, not yet.  I understand all I can right now but I don’t honestly feel the other side is listening at all.  Or even trying.

 

Here is a song I just discovered in this version … It reflects how I feel this issue has become.  Dark.  Heavy.  Painful.  Divisions are running deep.  And dividing.  I ask you … just read what I am writing.  You don’t have to like it, or even believe it, or like me.  I’ll take the hatred if it means you listened, not just heard.  But this is my side.  I speak the same words as many others on my side but I speak for me.  ME.  Not the other side.

Me …

Listen please.

 

 

 

 

We have a strong, proud and vibrant gun culture in this nation.  (The US, as if I needed to say that)  The culture is all based on the second amendment.  “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”  I put that there because it is miss-quoted more than Mark Twain.

 

I get it, it is there in calligraphy on parchment, (not hemp, sorry miss guided 420 revisionists), that makes it all very official.  I agree.  I am also a gun owner.  I get it.  The gun culture in this country is full of many very proud and hard working men and women.  This is not an anti-gun blog nor one seeking gun laws.  I expect no new gun laws in my lifetime.  And within 15 years I expect to have no laws governing them at all.

 

Much of the point I will be making is about the culture around guns that has been built by gun owners and one special interest group called the NRA.  They don’t speak for who you think, but we’ll get to that.  I wont pretend to know it all since I am not really part of this culture.  Much like someone telling me why people race cars or Jeep or write when they do not, I wont speak for a culture and proud people I am not part of.  I will talk about what I have seen and what I have been told.  This is from my perspective and information I can quote and trust.

 

First, I will point out this culture seems to be rife with myths and ubiquitous facts often claimed as unique to support the culture.  The first is very direct.  I have heard much of my life that this nation was forged from war and thus the need to be armed is necessary for a “free state”.  Almost every nation was forged in war so this is not validation alone when so many nations who have a strong history in war have very restrictive gun laws as well so that argument is not well armed, nor does it make sense.

 

Most nations in Europe were forged in war and they have fought more wars and actually been invaded in most cases yet they have fewer guns.  They have been invaded, we have not really.  Only by the Brits, twice.  And those were long before this gun culture arose.  And no, they were not invaded BECAUSE they have fewer guns.  We’ll get to that.

 

Secondly, the military serves the role of national defense, or as the Second Amendment states, the “Militia”.  The people are not expected to and would not be able to defend this nation from any other nations military, or militia.  Even if every man and woman in America had guns, it would be damn hard to stave off a true Army with your invisible one.  It is NOT about national defense, get over that idea.  It sounds silly.

 

Third, the Switzerland example. Please, get the information right.  Every time I hear this nation come up in the gun debate I am told they have 100% gun ownership.  That isn’t even close.  The estimates are between 20% and 40%.  Not close to 100% so PLEASE, stop lying to yourself.  At one point they did have much higher % as part of national defense.  They dropped it.  They are also between two nations that fought on opposing sides in two world wars in 30 years.  We are not, nor ever been, or ever will be.  They do have compulsory conscription though, if you’d like that and no one can own a machine gun which would make at least three of my friends felons.  Also, conceal and carry permits which are a joke here are almost impossible to get there.  They also have to have their medical records reviewed for EVERY gun purchase permit and EVERY GUN is registered.  Up to 3.  Three.  Tre.  Not unlimited, three … you would have to get rid of more than half your guns on average.  Wanna keep siting the Swiss example?  I’d love the Swiss example applied here.  It would be welcome by many.

 

Getting back to the idea that citizens will defend the nation from foreign aggression as the “Invisible Army”.  That is an embarrassing statement.  Please stop saying it.  First off, there is a sub culture in this nation that often refers to itself as “The Invisible Empire”.  As the invisible army you sound like the army for the invisible empire.  If you don’t know, the invisible empire is the KKK.  If that is your intent, so be it, First Amendment baby, but you sound silly calling yourself the invisible army.

 

There are about 100 million gun owners in the country.  The average person who owns a gun, owns 7.  This is from the NRA before someone claims I am using liberal propaganda.  Now I admit, this is a lot of guns.

 

But the idea that gun owners believe they are invisible, or an army, is mythical and immature.  #1, gun owners are anything but invisible.  Many of the ones I know wear their guns with pride.  They love to talk about them.  They wear them often and talk about how many they own.  The NRA and 2nd Amendment bumper sticker or in my region, RMGO and armed Calvins for God’s sake are far from invisible.  This is a declaration, not invisibility.  If you are referring to unofficial, not in uniform army as invisible, then ok, makes a little more sense but please see #2.

 

#2 To claim yourselves as an army is an immature power fantasy of childhood and Hollywood.  Lets consider the Army, the real one.  The one with months, years and generations of training based on centuries of refined principles for both individual skills and military planning.  To think 100 million men and women with Glocks and HnKs are an army cause they go shoot in the forest illegally 3 times a year and leave a mess behind like it is their urine on a tree is not training.  I suspect you know that too.  A large well armed group of people acting without regulation is not called an army, it is called a mob.  Mobs usually don’t end well for the citizens.  Look up Reginald Denny and get back to me.  Please explain this as an army.

 

One of the other common myths in my part of the country is the idea that the west was settled with guns and they were responsible for the calming of the west.  This is so wrong it is embarrassing.  I wrote about it in “How the West Was Won …”

https://5280nup.wordpress.com/2016/07/06/how-the-west-was-won/

The west was not like the movies love to portray.  The west as we know it was largely made up by penny novels sold in the east about the west where no one was there to offer the truth.  The myth was further perpetuated by Buffalo Bill’s Wild West.  Both, were fiction for profit.  Neither were wrong because neither were trying to be factual.  They were and are fiction and so is the myth the west was won because each settler carried guns and used them to kill Indians.  If you get your accepted history to support the gun culture from Hollywood, I am starting to understand.

 

 

The west was tamed from cold hard steel.  The plow.  Few people in the American West owned guns.  They were damn expensive to own, much more so than now as a percentage of income, and bullets were also very expensive.  The price of one quality gun could feed a family for half a year.

 

The old west as many see it is 100% the product of Hollywood and fantasy.  There is no record  known of any middle of the street mano-a-mano gun fights that seem to happen in every western.  Shootings and some shoot outs did happen.  But that was lawlessness, not civilization.

 

The most common claim I hear in this country regarding guns is the gun people carry under their shirt for protection.  Ok, I get it.  You are scared.  You carry a gun that is heavy and uncomfortable and not easy to sit while wearing so you must be scared.  I ask you this, what are you so scared of?  I have never carried a gun and never been a victim of a crime a gun would have prevented.  Neither has most Americans.  Neither have most of you.  And it is not likely because you carry one, it is concealed, remember?

 

Gun owners seem to me to be the most scared of all.  They seem to arm themselves with one of on average 7 guns because they are scared.  But what I hear is, “I’m not scared, because I carry a gun.”  Fair enough.  But you seem very scared.  Seven guns and you wear one to the woods where you know most people with you and the odds of being attacked by a human is statistically impossible to measure and not likely by an animal since you rarely go alone and animals usually avoid humans.  There is a slight statistical chance you will be attacked or robbed or killed in the big bad scary city that the Road Warrior lives in but pay attention to the realities of guns when fired later in this piece.

 

Here is the irony.  Many gun owners claim they want lax gun laws so they can protect themselves from those who have such free access to guns …. say that aloud to yourself and see how you sound.  Do you also feel that the best way to put out a fire is with fire?  (yes I know forest fires can work that way)  And the best solution to a flood is more water.  I assume you turn on the heat when you are too hot. When your child gets the flu, do you have other kids with the flu come over and play with them in hopes of a cure?  Do you pay bills with other bills?  The answer to gun violence is more guns?  Really?

 

Since 2014 a gentleman in Kentucky, Mark Bryant, who is an avid gun owner has been tracking gun violence in America.  Of the 100,000 or so violent acts committed with gun in that time, according to the national statistics he tracks, 3% were in self defense.  3% …. Three ….  That is the same as saying that if Gary Johnson won 3% of the vote, he should be president.  That sounds stupid doesn’t it.  Especially to many gun owners.

http://www.gunviolencearchive.org/

 

Are the other 97% of gun violence acts justified or simply “acceptable losses” or collateral damage so we can have the 3%?  Would you mind if 97% of your family was killed so 3% could live?  Even if there is no proof or even strong evidence the other 3% would die?  This is how you sound to me.  “I’ll be part of the 3% so I don’t care about the other 97%.”  Very neighborly.  Very friendly.  You sound very patriotic.

 

Mr. Bryant developed his site for one purpose, keep in mind he is a happy and proud gun owner.  He wants a real discussion about guns, not one based on myth, lies and manipulation.  Truth is hard to find on this topic, not because it does not exist, not because it is hard to track, because it is a deadly issue killing thousands every year, and millions of people trying to convince everyone else the answer to gun violence is more guns.  And they are angry.  Very angry.  That is obvious.

 

Do you know that the leading cause of death for black males in America ages 16 to 35 is homicide?  Maybe you will care about this, the third most likely cause of death for white males 16-25 is homicide.  Is the solution more guns?  Bigger guns?  Is the solution your illegal machine guns you proudly post videos of firing on Facebook and assume we wont mind if YOU break the law?  Or capture that video and turn you in to the local LEO and FBI?  What is a law abiding patriot to do ….

 

Proving a false positive is the simple principle that if I carry a gun and never been robbed or killed then I was not robbed or killed because I carry a gun.  The same could be said for shoes.  You wear shoes more often so that could be the reason.  Or maybe it is the simple idea that few people are are victims of a crime a gun could prevent.  Ever.  Crime is pretty much statistically spread among guns owners and non-gun owners equally, and rare.  So far the guns are not preventing many crimes.  Hardly any in fact.  3% according to gun loving and proud American Mark Bryant.

 

Most of my gun owning friends are very careful and responsible gun owners.  They use trigger locks and gun safes and lock boxes.  Many also do not store the ammunition with the gun.  That is also very responsible.  But this means it is not about protection.  In the time it would take me to sneak into your house (part of my past) and you finally hear me or see me if at all cause I am not there to interact with you at all, I can be out of your house and down the street before you can get to any of your 7 safely locked away guns.

 

I could have also beat you with your shoe as you opened your gun safe.  Or are you expecting me to wait as you open your gun locker?  I’m quite confused about this safety and home defense claim.

 

… Many gun owners claim they want lax gun laws so they can protect themselves from those who have such free access to guns …

 

Or … do you in reality have several of your 7 or more guns in your home hidden in ultra safe and sneaky places around the house, like by the front door behind the coat rack or in the drawer of your night stand where no one would ever think to look when they sneak into your house at night.  Or the one hidden in the corner of your closet, behind something so it is not obvious or found by your children. Or clipped to your steering column or under your seat or in the glove box or ….

 

Maybe they aren’t all as safe as you claim.

 

I referenced the number of times I have seen Facebook posts of people I know firing a machine gun in the woods, and I am certain most if not all do not have the tax stamp to permit a machine gun.  Makes me wonder who the lawless people are.  Makes me wonder alot about your honorable claims… Who is lawless and who should we be scared of.  Many of us wonder who is the preacher and who is the choir.  We know who is singing …

 

Those in defense of free gun purchases often have said to me, “well, gun statistics and deaths from them are so hard to track so most information out there is inaccurate.”  Yet, they will tell me millions of people use guns in self defense every year.  So THAT is the only valid and track-able gun statistic?  In reality, gun violence is one of the most tracked statistics in law.  The truth is not a lie just cause you don’t like it.  It is easily tracked, as evidenced by gun owning Republican Mr. Bryant who is tracking them for you.

 

“It’s clear from Bryant’s data that there aren’t anywhere near the 1-2.5m instances of defensive gun use per year that gun rights advocates claim. Those figures, unlike Bryant’s, are based largely on the results of a survey [not actual legal tracking] taken more than 20 years ago. Because it’s an estimate, there’s no way to verify the incidents, something advocates attribute to the nature of crime reporting.”  That stats are very available if you like them or not.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/apr/23/kentucky-gun-owner-gun-violence-archive-mark-bryant

 

Lets be clear on one thing, other than target shooting guns, guns have one purpose.  Guns are designed and intend to kill.  They are designed to as efficiently as possible, end life.  They are very efficient at it.  The machine gun is the deadliest invention in history.  Guns are only invented to end life.  Responsible gun owners will also say, you do not draw a gun unless you intend to use it.  A gun’s only use is to kill.  Unless you plan on and intend to end another life do not un-holster your gun.  I agree.

 

I say this to be clear that every person carrying a gun around you, around your kids, is carrying one of the very few items in the world an individual can carry that is solely intended to terminate life.  It is not often said, that that .32 pistol in the holster under the person’s jacket in the line behind you at the store was designed to be efficient at killing another human.

 

This doesn’t mean the owner is wanting to kill, or hoping to kill or needing to kill.  But it is also reality that the person carrying that .32 semi automatic in the line behind you at the store has likely never been trained how to fire it in close quarters at a moving target.  Do you know that there is a common culture among the concealed carry crowd that if the gun you carry is under .40 cal. you are a pipsqueak?  They seem to be obsessed about size …

 

Most people killed by those firing in self defense were unarmed.  But you have convinced yourself you,  with no training in this kind of weapon use, will defend yourself in a King Supers.  Who is the most likely to die in this scenario?  How many innocent’s deaths are the acceptable loss for your right to carry?  That is the scenario I often hear … ‘I am behind you at the supermarket, I am armed, you are not.  If a criminal comes into the store to steal hoho’s and is armed, I am willing to and armed to protect myself, and you… ‘  Bullshit.  That’s not likely why you carry it.

 

https://5280nup.wordpress.com/2016/06/16/dont-use-me/

 

• I offer a simple observations:
• Those most adamant about responsible gun ownership have not passed any laws governing ownership.
• The Brady Bill has been dismantled in most states due to NRA funding.
• Most who oppose gun laws blame liberals.  James Brady was a Republican and it would not have passed if not for the 16 Republican Senators who voted for it.
• Those who criticize gun laws as ineffective, don’t seem to be doing anything at all to propose effective ones.
• Those trying to stop grade schooler’s from being killed, are very confused by those who only propose more guns as a solution to gun violence.
• Most of the nation is waiting for those who claim to be responsible gun owners to propose responsible gun regulation.
• The only logical conclusion we can come to is, those who believe in gun ownership believe in unrestricted and un-tracked gun ownership for all.  Because that is the only termination of the path we are one with these laws.

 

Also, for those who are not gun enthusiasts, it is important to know that buying or owning a gun does not require any guidance in using a lethal device that can be carried in public.  None.  No training in loading it or its safety features.  For a conceal and carry permit I am told there is a written test.  The written test is not about safety as much as how to not get into legal trouble.  Only some testers require you to demonstrate the ability to fire a gun down range.  “Down Range” does not assume skill or marksmanship in a crowded space like that supermarket.  It tests to see if you know which way to aim it and how to fire it down range.   That is essentially it.  BTW, if you believe hitting the tree in the woods, where you leave your shells for other patriots to clean it up like poop in a parking lot, is skill enough to fire in a King Supers, you are a fool.  An armed one.

 

Those of you with conceal and carry permits … have you had holster training by someone who knows?  Do you know that most self inflicted wounds and deaths come when un-holstering your sidearm?  Do you know that it is harder to get a Ham radio license than a conceal and carry permit?  How many people have ever been killed with a ham radio?

 

I have been told, “Any responsible gun owner will know more than just how to fire a gun down range”.  I agree.  Most of my friends have gone into the woods with their friends and fired guns with one another.   We know this from the crap you leave behind, everywhere.  Yet the papers are full of stories demonstrating that this is not enough of a skill set.  I have also been in the woods with friends when an accidental discharges has occurred.  More than once.  NO JEEPS WERE KILLED IN THE MAKING OF THIS ARTICLE.

 

Most gun owners have never been formally trained on use and almost none have been trained on how to use one in a public area.  This has always made me wonder who that person behind me will kill if hey pull it out only with the intent to use it which means they intend to kill.

 

Do those people carrying a gun in the line at Walmart “for your protection” know what ammunition to use for close quarters firing?  Do you know that the ammunition most people own, which is great for shooting trees in the woods and penetrate well is NOT the ammunition you want for protection in Walmart?  Gun owners I know LOVE to talk about penetration.

 

… Many gun owners claim they want lax gun laws so they can protect themselves from those who have such free access to guns …

 

If you have a gun in your home and you have kids, IF that gun ever kills anyone, which is rare, the most likely person to be killed according to national fire arm statistics is your child.  The second most likely is your child’s friend.  The third most likely person to be killed with your gun in your home is your significant other.  The fourth most likely to be killed with your gun in your home, is you.  That robber you seem terrified of and itching to kill doesn’t even make the top four.  Are those the acceptable losses for your ‘protection’?  Outside of your home, the most likely person to be killed with your gun, is you.  Again, most guns never kill anyone.  But that is what they are best at and the only thing they are intended to do.

 

I understand that people who are scared of the unlikely event of home invasion or being present at a robbery or if the Cubans invade Colorado via Mexico they want a gun for self protection.  But we know these are very rare.  Hell, Colorado has only been invaded by Cuba via Mexico once in history and only occurred in Hollywood.  Some will say the news is full of evidence to the contrary.  Agreed, gun violence is a common occurrence.  100,000 acts since 2014.  But according to your own Mr. Bryant most of that gun violence is not in defense.  Where is this self defense you speak of?

 

Every day we hear people shooting guns in public.  But how often do you hear of people defending themselves with a personal firearm? It does happen.  I will never deny that so please don’t quote me the little old lady who defended herself from 8 rapists in her home with an AR15.  Heard it many times and it seems to happen every year and the number of rapists grows along with her age and the profile of the gun.  This doesn’t mean the story, in some version is not true.  I am sure it is.  I can easily picture it.

 

Again, this is not about gun laws or an anti gun stance, I am working towards something.  Bear with me. (pun intended)

 

Do you know that you can be sued for discharging a firearm in public?  Even if you hit Bin Laden and kill him and prevent him from stealing all the kittens from the internet?  (yes I know he is dead, work with me here)  Civil suits do not require legal conviction or even arrest, even though discharging a firearm in public is illegal.  Do you know that each person endangered can sue you?  Do you know that the average settlement is about $4,000,000 per person suing you? Do you know that on average the court cases last for 12 years for one discharge?  Do you have a good lawyer with that gun?  Food for thought.

 

… Many gun owners claim they want lax gun laws so they can protect themselves from those who have such free access to guns …

 

I am also a counselor.  I can tell you from first hand accounts from clients that the killing of another human, even in combat but this is very not about combat, is devastating.  It is something we approach from the holstered side of this argument like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.  Yippie Ki Yay mother … lover.  We think of this hero idea and think we will defend our family and all in the supermarket from the dude who is trying to steal the Hohos.  If you think this is why you should carry a gun do all responsible gun owners a favor and STAY HOME.

 

Go back to my statistic about the most likely one to be killed by your gun … imagine your child being killed by YOUR gun.  Imagine any child being killed by YOUR gun.  It is unlikely.  But from the un-holstered side of that argument, the stats are clear.  You better be ready to be a killer.  If you pull it out, you intend to kill, right?  That’s what I have heard all my life.  You are carrying the gun in-case you need to kill another human being.  Lets be simple and clear on that.  To review so far:

 

• Your solution to gun violence is more guns.
• It is harder to get a Ham radio operators license than a conceal and carry permit.
• There has not been any significant gun laws passed in decades yet you are NRA and you vote … against what?
• Did you know that the NRA works on behalf of the gun makers, not the gun owners?
• Those who claim to be responsible gun owners are proposing no laws for gun ownership.

Just some perspectives ….

 

As I said, the way that most people quote the 2nd Amendment removes the first half.  “The right of the people to bear arms shall not be infringed.” is not complete.  If it were that direct and simple that is all it would say.  “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”  This from a nation that had no national army:  That did not spend 16% of its annual budget and 56% of discretionary budget every year on the military, that had no means to draft or much ability to even arm men for service.  That era is antiquated and long past.  Militias no longer exist.  Unless you count some small well armed factions in some remote areas of the west … I’m craving potatoes.

 

Here is the issue I have with all of this.  Yes, I think guns are silly.  To me they are a symbol of fear, not force.  They project and advertise fear to me.  They project fear of the unlikely much like walking around in hip waders in fear of a flood does.

 

I have no issue with gun owners other than some rationalizations being offered for why they own on average 7 guns.  This is about two of the rationalizations.  The first is do not try to justify your gun ownership as national defense.  You sound silly.  Consider armored vehicles and your .38, or the less pipsqueak like .45.  You and those of us with guns could not defend this nation from any reasonable army.  Look up ‘tank’ and get back to me.  Also, my disagreement with you does not mean I am leaving the country or even liberal.  I’m not.  The often heard attitude that I must agree with you to live here goes back to that invisible empire argument.  Oh yeah, and first amendment baby.  I’m not leaving no matter how many guns you own or carry.  I am protecting my nation right now … without a gun.

 

Second is that I know that gun laws would decrease gun deaths and reduce crime.  I know this because 17 industrialized, educated, intelligent nations have restrictive gun laws and they all have lower crime and murder rates than us.  Studies have been done and done and done and those not done by the NRA or paid by gun makers all show that gun laws work.  They also worked here when they have been enacted and before they were dismantled by one party and largely one gun selling advocacy group.  I noticed as have most on the other side that gun owners seem to want no gun laws so they can have a lawful nation…

 

But I am not proposing any gun law.  I am hoping for something far more simple…

 

… instead of claiming you are carrying that gun hidden under your jacket for mine or national protection, just say you like guns, or that you are very scared.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Stop lying that it is about my protection or national protection.  If you are scared, then maybe carrying a gun will help.  Maybe the most scared of us carry the biggest guns.  If you tell me over and over as I have heard that you are not scared, but you own 7 guns on average and am carrying one to the King Supers then I am confused.

Very confused.

 

Just say you like guns or they are beautiful or the craftsmanship or the RIGHT history … there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Just say the truth, not this lie about protecting me in a line at the store … you would kill me or most likely you or your kid or your wife.  And be sued.  And lose on average 4 million dollars, per settlement.  But I’m not sure the money would matter after killing your kid, or anyone else for that matter.  I’ll take my chances with the criminal. At least they aren’t lying about why they have a gun, if they do …most crimes do not involve a gun.

 

I have given up on the fear some gun owner ‘do gooder’ will kill me.  If it happens I will be dead, so what.  But I hope my estate sues the future out of you and takes your house, your pension, kids college fund and that lovely gun collection.  If  you shoot me, you better kill me or I will use the rest of the laws and our rights you claim to be defending to take everything I can from you… The same flesh you shoot off me I will take from you.  I can recommend good therapists and one hell of a defense lawyer though if you want to have them ready.

 

You only carry in case you have to use it.  You would not un-holser it unless you intend to kill.  That’s all that killing machine you are hiding on your hip is designed to do.  Kill.

 

… Many gun owners claim they want lax gun laws so they can protect themselves from those who have such free access to guns …

 

Why are you so scared?

 

The simple observations I recall when you tell me how you carry a gun for yours, mine or our nation’s protection are these:

• I wonder why you are so scared when most people including my mother who is a 5 foot tall woman with gray hair who worked in South East DC for 8 years never carried a gun nor felt the need to.  Are you more scared than her?
• The time when the word militia was used, it had a very different and clear meaning that has never been challenged at the Supreme Court.
• You sound silly telling me you will protect the nation from invasion or terrorists with your untrained and obviously fearful skill set.
• A concealed gun is not a deterrent.
• You very likely have no training in close quarters use of a firearm.
• The trees don’t shoot back and half the time you miss anyhow.
• There are valid and normal reasons for owning guns, yet I almost never hear them stated by anyone.
• Your reasons so often given sound like excuses, not reasons.
• You sound scared.
• 7 guns on average.
• When you say you are wearing a gun for anyone-else’s protection, all I hear is that you desperately wish you were a super hero and really want to wear a mask and cape and kill someone.
• Maybe you will…

I shall not be silent.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

Divine …

 

 

To love someone is the most divine human expression.

 

This is a world where we pay a lot of attention to the superficial.  We care more about breasts than courage.  More about income than character.  More about what others think than what we think of ourselves.  Crap.

 

I have loved.

My God have I loved.

I have poured my heart and soul out as tears and elation, on paper with pen, in books and in song and in time and travel.  I have loved with passion, determination and sometimes frustration.  I have been first kisses, first mores, first loves and have been the last of each of those for two.

 

It has been said when we look back on our lives, we will regret the things we didn’t do, more than the things we did.  I agree.  I hope, when my memory fades and I move on, I don’t forget the times I have loved completely, deeply, passionately …

Those are life to me.

Those are life to me.

Those are life.

 

There have been times I have barely been able to make ends meet.  And there have been times I was unable to love.  There have been few of either but the second are the ones that I feel ashamed of.

 

I will never put down the work it takes to love a single person and maintain a marriage for half a century.  It is a dying art.  But I also respect the ability to love more than once, one person, one relationship.

 

I have never been married, not for lack of trying or desire.  I have never had children, since I felt the first should come first, being a child of divorce and partially raised myself.  But I have loved more than many marriages have seen.  And I have amazing god-children I could not be more proud of.

 

I have known some amazing women and men.  I have dated some of those amazing women.  I have been friends with or stood up for some of those amazing men.  I have been blessed.  I have witnessed a birth and officiated a wedding.   How could I ask for more.

 

I do.

 

I want more.

 

I want to fall in love again.

 

Cause to do so…

Is the greatest of gifts and the most divine of expressions…